I was talking on the phone with a close friend of mine. It really ironic how my own words comes back to bite me. This was what I said on Facebook " I don't like it when people complain or whine and I can't tell them that in fact the reason for your problems is your own poor management of your resources. In fact all problems comes because you don't know how to use your resources."

When I was talking with my friend, this came out of his mouth. "Lex, you need to learn how to use your resources. You're like using a AA battery for a ferrari. The reason why you feel fustrated at yourself."

And as I was thinking. It's really true. I have never been a kid, never felt like a kid and have never whined to get my way like a kid. I keep pouring out myself to everyone and everything. But that's just a bad management of my resources. I am not superman, even though I believe and think of myself as one.

John 7:37-39
" On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; for the Holy Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified."

I believe that the spirit includes the fruits of the spirit as well. And most of all I lacked love. Not love for another. But love for myself. I judge myself stricter than I judge others. Resulting in me being very harsh and unforgiving to myself. I hold myself to my mistakes and harp on them more than others harp on it. AND, my friend wasted no time in pointing that out.

In a way, this was resulted from my upbringing. I never had a chance to be a kid. Never had a chance to just rely on my parents rather, it has been the other way around. To this day, I never remembered a time where I actually confided in my parents about my sorrows or problems. This in a way has caused me to rely on my strengths. Because I have never experince what it is like to rely on a parent, and so even though I know that My God is my Heavenly Father. I have yet to learn what's it like to be filled in his fatherly love and embrace him and be embraced by him like a kid.

So how on earth was I using my resources wisely? I kept pouring out myself in love without getting refilled by God to the point where rivers of living water was flowing. That it my sight now is plain stupidity.