Food for thought.

We shouldn't expect from others what others can't expect from us. But what if others always have expected that much from you?

That being said, I don't think it's wrong for me to expect more from others. I might have been giving way too much and expecting too little in return. For now, I guess I really need some people by my side, especially you.

As I was mediating on the word. God reminded me of Jacob and how he's life turn out to be. In this sitution I'm really like Jacob. I had struggled with man and God for far too long. Wrestling with my own desires and my own agendas. Even though on the surface many would say I am dedicated to God. But God looks much deeper. Somehow the little part of me that refuses to yield and rely on God and others. Always trusting in my own strenght. In a way, wrestled with God and man for far too long. In the life story of Jacob there was once he wrestled with God and God told him in
Genesis 32:28b
because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.

In a way, I have done that throughout my life. But the main thing here was that after which he limped for the rest of his life. Leaning heavily on God. I guess this is the major lesson to learn this time around. Why should I continue struggling? Where I can just start to rely and lean more on God. At the same time stop pushing people away and preventing them from getting too close with me.

Somehow I really miss running around. The ability to move as I wished. The freedom to go wherever, whenever. This restrictions of food, movement and even going to toilet.

I HATE IT.

But, God is over all. The hardest thing at times is to yield after all. To yield that all this is within his plan. That this period is a moulding phase once again. To learn how to lean and rely more on God and the people around me and also, perharps to build more strength and courage.

Would you believe for now, all that I want is to be able to walk.

It would have helped if you were here for me. Or just hear your voice and I don't mean God.

Well, 2nd day out of op. I guess my op is a success. I hope. For now have to deal with the 8 cm long wound on my leg, plus the pain of having 8 cm of patella tendon cut out to replace my ligament which was done by drilling a hole through my tibia in 2 places. Besides having pain and the occasional wound splitting experience. I'm fine. At least physically. Am hoping that I'll be able to walk normally by this week. Would love to go for service this coming week.

Now as I'm thinking bout the events of late. I feel like I've been rather manipulative and ruling by fear. Just by not using my logic as much as I should have, I have been really domineering and pressurizing.

Can't say much but I realized that my anger was unexplainable even though it was not projected to anybody. It scares me to think of ways to resolve the issue in such a way that will manipulate you to feel what I am feeling and for you to see the whole issue while doing things that will have the feeling of an demon lord. The kind that you won't dare to say anything else but what I want to hear and to scare the hell out of you.

But I can't deny the feelings. But I can control my reactions to it.

Courage, is the strength to never give up. To hold on when everything is against you.
Faith is to smile when everything is against you. Yet smiling to say, God is good.

I won't lead a live of regrets. Emotions are a tell tale sign for emotional well being. BUT it is not the basis of how you would react. Be a master of your emotions and not the other way around. Accept them. But don't act on them.

I feel that it doesn't matter to you at all. So instead of talking about it. Show it. Prove it. I won't care and won't bother about the situation. Which means I wouldn't change how I'd react to you. Or how I would treat you. But it feels like anger will always be there but not shown. To change this situation. Prove it. Show that it matters. That's all I need.

But on this point, I'll defintely walk alone. If you want to. Walk along. Don't talk the talk. Just walk the walk.

Dissapointed, Yes. Angry, Yes. Sad, Yes.

But heck it all. Not gonna expect anything from anyone.
Bitter? Maybe.

This is a season where I keep losing things that I treasure. But what matters is not what I've lost or is going to lost. But what I still have. Keeping the faith that God is a fair and just God and He's our heavenly father. All things happen for a reason for those who love him.

Dissapointed for now, BUT I am so exicited for what is to come.


True faith is not birth in easy times. It is born when all odds goes against you and you are still able to smile and say. God is good.

Dissapointed in some people. But well, moving on.

It just does not matter that much to you after all.

People come and go, are you one of them?
I think I should ask it head on.
Even if it will be lost, it's meant to be.

Shall not hold on to relationships with others.
Even if I do cherish it.
It does not matter unless the other party cherishes the friendship enough to tell the truth.

People may dissapoint. BUT! God never does.
Never gonna let my emotions affect my thinking ever again.
Someone like me should never be affected.

Forbiden fruits always looks the most tempting.
But it's forbiden. At least for now.
Am I willing to fight that temptation.
Am I willing to let it go out of my sight and my heart?

People fight changes resist changes because we are creatures of habit.
All I can do to become stronger is sometimes to change that habit or break that bond.

All I want now is to be a man after God's heart and to be a stronger man. One stronger than ever before.

People come and people go. That's the truth of life. Looking back at things, reading old msn conversation I can see how things have changed drastically between some of my friends and me. Well, no point lamenting on things like this. It was already sort of expected by me before I enter NS. If that's what that has happened. Then so be it.

No point feeling anguish over it. It might be better this way.

Been doing a lot of thinking after someone close to me said that I've changed. How I'm not like the old me. How I was a lot stronger than who I am now. Prayed for a long time, the longest I have for this year. I realised that nothing much has changed except for one point.

I've lost my courage. The courage that always never gives up, the tenacity and drive to prove others and my circumstances wrong. For the first time in my life, it seemed that my courage has lost to circumstances surrounding me. It has been ages since I felt like I couldn't do anything about my situation and I'm worried or stressed out by it. I always said that, there 2 things we should never worry about, things we can do something about and things we can do nothing about. Apparently, I have been worrying bout both. Cos somehow it seems really out of my control. Too many situations and circumstances are out of my control. Too many things have allowed fear to creep into my heart. Driving out my courage and faith in myself.

I've also realised why and how I seem strong and impressive to others. It's all because of courage. I was so much braver and in a way radiate the courage. Like what the movie Coach Carter said in the end.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people wouldn't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

for me right now, Courage and Fear Holds these 2 definitions.

Courage.

Is not the lack of fear, it's overcoming them.

Fear

Is not a physcological thing, it's just the lack of courage and faith.

Apparently that has been what I have been doing till the past 3 months. Perharps it was the people in NS that made me want to stand out, as I would want to fit in and not let other people feel insecure around me. Unconciously that courage was lost. That has made me to this state. During my own prayer time I could hear God telling me clearly to look at the difference in how I would have handled things. I can even imagine the old me giving myself advice. It's time I would take the advices the old me would have told me now and make it work.

I'm not ordinary. And I will never be. I don't have to try to make myself fit in with the turkeys in my life. I don't have to lose my courage to be accepted. I don't have to lose my courage and faith in myself to situations. I don't have to give up. And I wil NEVER ever give up. I will NEVER ever wallow in self pity. I will NEVER ever let myself indulge in reliance to others. I will NEVER say die. I will NEVER throw myself to destruction. I will NEVER lose that courage and that light in my heart. I will let it radiate even stronger than ever.

This is gonna be the first and last time I've lost my courage. NEVER will there be such a emotion in my heart. There's not gonna be a single negative word in my dictionary from now on.

Picking myself up and moving on.

The closer someone is to you, the more potential they have to hurt you. That's one thing I have already known. It's a truth that can never be pushed away or denied. But still people trust and become closer to others. You expect more from people closer to you, be in actions or character.

The burden to be strong for the sake of others. Sometimes being a emotional punching bag yet having to be the pillar of support for others.

Being weakned, hurt, depressed and yet having to hold it all in. I can't show it.

Sometimes I feel like a coward with abilities that most would envy. But deep down I know that strength isn't about physical capabilities but the tenacity to never give up.

That is when all things get tough, never giving up. Even when you become an emotional punching bag for all. Even when you feel depressed, even when you feel a mindless rage taking over, even when you feel like killing everyone including yourself. To just go through it all without throwing in the towel by giving up on yourself or your own life.

Strenght to remember the call to teach, to lead, to guide, to inspire.