Reconciliation means to return the self concept of each other to one another once again.

It feels like I have not gotten the idea mixed up or wrong. From thinking through stuff again and again, I was not wrong to cling on to logic even if it did hurt. I guess my self concept was crushed due to my injury and it was so fragile. As it was something I had believed in. In a sense my natural talent, defined who I was at one point of time.

When it came crashing down I lost the courage and confidence I once had. When that's all gone I had no where left to go but to God. In a sense through this entire experinced I've grown again I guess. It's no longer a head knowledge that God's grace is more than sufficent it's an experiential knowledge. I've realised that many a times in the past it was truly by God's grace I was able to go through the trials in my live. In a sense part of the reason why I was in just great turmoil was because I was unable to reconcile myself to myself. It might have been easier and less tiring if the people I wished to be there were there. With all that was happening I had nothing left but to leave it all up to God.

Through asian conference I had my answers about why I had to go through this. I had my answers of why I felt this way. I had a clearly instruction on the calling I had. When God tells you a journey. He'll defintely start by asking you to build a ship according to his plans for your future.

The winds blows once again into the battered sail.

today was an answer from God about the way I've been feeling.

Why should my self concept come only from what I was able to do? Even though the old concept is destroyed. A new one has come forth. Much greater and all. For now it's just to focus on moving ahead. It seems whatever I have been thinking was right on mark. We should always focus more on logic then emotions.


The gap between self-concept and self-esteem is the difference in actual work and the latent potential of that indivual.

The simple expression of concern by just a phone call. It brings me joy and relief to know that I've impacted lives and is gonna impact more lives. A few important things I feel that is essential for me to note down even on this blog.

1) To inspire others you got to first love them.
2) Love is the best motivator.
3) relationship is something you know, it's something you feel.
4) When God tells you your calling he's gonna start preparing you from the moment he tells you till you're ready or you give in to your own agendas.

The lalang and the durain tree.
Which one are you?


Anyway, Asian Conference was awesome. Correction IS AWESOME. Will post more on my thoughts about the sermons in time to come. For now not gonna pin the ZZZZ monster on the floor. Come and get me you dumb ass.

Out of sight, out of mind. That's the most concised form of this situation.

My heart is heavy once again. Why does it affect me so? I still can't sleep. I guess I won't be sleeping for till 23 00 today.

I need some sort of outlet.

Psalm 23:3-5
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.


1 cor 2:9-14
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"

but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.

So here I am once again in front of my computer late at night unable to sleep filled with thoughts to think about. This was the thought that entertained me the entire day.

"A legend is not made of the impossible facts glued together. But a man who changes his world through his undying will to never give up no matter what happens."

As I was thinking about this I realized that it the measure of a man that makes a difference. So how can anyone or rather I can become a man such as that. I feel that to become such a man we got to have certain values.
1) wisdom
2) courage
3) temperance
4) justice

Wisdom.
1.The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight.
2.Common sense; good judgment: "It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things" (Henry David Thoreau).
Therefore to be wise according to these standards is to be discerning and make good judgement calls about your own life. Not to be desperate in anything, to always maintain composure using logic before emotions. To plan before starting anything.
We can't learn or gain wisdom if you hold on to the habits and attitudes of the past. Sometimes we've gotta learn how to let go or cut off even if it hurts. Do not resists change or stop pruning yourself for the sake of being comfortable.

It is impossible to fill a cup which is full. It is wiser to empty the old wine for new wine.


Courage
1. The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.
But there are many forms of courage. It's not always found in the battlefield, nor is it proven by accomplishing feats that most people are fearful. The courage I'm thinking about is the courage that comes forth when odds are stacked against you. When you get knocked down so hard so badly that most wouldn't think you'll make it. It is also the courage that dares to challenge the common or the majority for what his own beliefs. To rather suffer then to give up on his beliefs.

Courage is the tenacity to never give up. The iron will which never says die.


Temperance
1.Moderation and self-restraint, as in behavior or expression.
2.Restraint in the use of or abstinence from alcoholic liquors.
I feel that a man should always restraint himself in certain ways. To be prim and proper, to put others before him, to be able to say no when push comes to the shove. In other words always to keep his head with him, maintain his composure and notes how he carries himself.

Male by birth Man by choice.


Justice
1.The quality of being just; fairness.
2.The principle of moral rightness; equity.
3.Conformity to moral rightness in action or attitude; righteousness.
Which means to say to be morally just. To expect what others can expect out of you. To lead by example.

proverbs 29:7
The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.


So, I've gotta work harded on these 4 points. Wisdom, courage, temperance and justice. In order to really become the man whom I want or need to be.

Restrictions.

Sometimes it's funny how things in your life happens. Like at times when you go through issues now. People with similar issues comes to you for advice for company. Most of the times they don't know that you're going through it.

It's also funny how people come to you with issues you had in the past when you're going through your own challenges with your trials now. It's even more funny how your little actions can inspire others. Your words of kindness and example can make such a huge difference.

It's really amusing how people think you're a role model when you're limited by things in your life right now.

But above all, it's heartening to know that some people do care enough to show care, concern, gratitude and appreciation.

I'm really thankful for some of my neighbours and some primary school friends. They've bumped into me around the neighbourhood. They bothered to do something to show care. Like, treating me to lunch. Buying fruits for me. Asking me how am I doing. Taking a detour to walk with me. Asking me out.

My buddy in the course before I OOCed told me this, "You have been an exceptional role model for me. Even though you've been injured and OOCed you still put in your 100% in everything. Things like cheering us on. Motivating us. Training on your own. Studying for test. Giving advice and help to anyone of us. I wouldn't have made it through without you."

To me I'm thankful to God that I'm able to make this impact to him and for him. Because he is willing to go extra miles for me. Like bringing my stuff back from camp. SMSing me once in a while to check how am I doing. Bothering to try spend time with me.

It's really funny how things turn out. That my past issues and the issues i'm going through now even though it hurts and is tough to go through. But I'm able to make an impact of the lives of others.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

So many I want to do when I recover.
1) Get back into BFSC (Basic Fitness Specialist Course)
2) Go into Muay Thai/MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)
3) Look for a external team for either canoeing or rugby.
4) Go rock climbing overseas. (cliff or something like that)
5) Get my business idea into action.


First thing first recovery and research. After which it's time to kick ass.

Plants need pruning to be healthy. Pruning is to cut off certains branches and growths on the plant. Which basically means to restraint and cut off certain areas for healthy growth. We also need to prune ourselves. We don't have branches to cut off. But we have relationships, bad habits and sometimes pride. We must learn how to cut off some of these things in order for our growth to be healthy. This pruning process is gonna be painful, it gonna hurt and at times we need some healing before we can carry on pruning again. But ultimately, we will grow stronger and better than ever before. Most importantly healthily.

What then should you cut off?

I guess I had quite an awesome day. For starters finally managed to get myself focused onto really starting to study for private A's next year. Started with Math, covered 3 chapters well, more like a refresher course in algebra. Did 5 questions of each topic in my Engineering Math notes from Poly days. Finished reading some of the left over newsweek magazine. Managed to walk without a limp. Did some light static training at home. Took a power nap for bout 1 hour. Had dinner and headed out with some of my poly friends.

Hey, life wasn't a bed of roses for me for the past month, and it's not going to be. But hey, being happy is a choice ain't it. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

Like how I usually categorise movies into cinema quality or download/online streaming quality or not worth watching. Somehow, I categorise Kick Ass somewhere in the middle of not worth watching to download/online streaming quality. Something told me to just watch it. Well, it could be I was too bored, or that God wanted to show me something unique or just to encourage me. I watched it and somehow it impacted me a little or rather lifted my spirits up.

Quote from Kick Ass. "No power equals no responsibility. I don't think so."

Well for me at least. Family is to me like responsibility is to me. Like what most people will say when they are angry about their family. "I didn't choose to be born in this family!" But for me it's a different meaning. Many people would tell me that God placed you into this family for a reason, it's to mould you to make you a stronger man. Well, that aside I mean as normal human beings we sometimes get irritated that people always use God to force or "convince" you that you should be doing this and that. Yada yada. Yak yak.

To me, I don't like it, I don't enjoy it. But for some reason or another I love them all the same. No matter how much pain they have caused me. It doesn't even matter I wake up everyday to quarrels. It doesn't even matter that it seems that I'm the only sane person that doesn't pick a fight with anyone in years. It doesn't even matter if I'm the one clearing the shit of everyone given my state right now. It doesn't even matter if I feel like giving up at times. What matters is that because I love my family no matter what happens. I'll take responsibility for them.

At times I feel like I've no more power left in myself to do things for my family. Like how can I solve issues that are out of my control. I can't make money grow on the trees. Neither can I make a medicine that can cure my sister nor can I abandon her. I can't make my siblings less quarrelsome. I can't change my dad. I can't change my mum. But I can choose to treat them right no matter what. It's not about what they did or is going to do. BUT what I choose to do despite all that.

I at times also feel powerless about situations. I can't change people. I can't control their actions and reactions. I miss people in my life, I mean who likes people leaving their life? Who enjoys isolating himself from people he genuinely cares for? Who rather feels like he's gonna be the only one feeling the sadness of the loss of friendships. I look around and see issues around me in lives of people either very close to me or peoplpe that I've met, I want to help them but, I feel tired and powerless. There's so much I want to change in my life, in the lives of others and nothing I can do about it.

Many a times I think, "What can ONE man do?" I mean hey, I'm just a 21 year old guy confined by circumstance that are beyond my control. I'm not powerful. I don't have a lot of power to change how things are. But that doesn't mean I have no responsibility. It doesn't even matter if people around me acknowledge the fact that I've done all that I can in my power to change things, to make things better or to even salvage situations. It doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter what deeds I have done to people, even to strangers.

It's not about the power or even our own individual deeds. It's just that we take ownership of what we can touch and influence. That we do the right thing no matter how awkard or even weird it maybe. Our own little weird ways of expressing our good intentions, that's more than enough to change the world and impact or inspire someone. Every one has something in them that can make a difference in the world and in someone else's life.

I may be tired. I may feel like I no longer have the strength or power to change things. But, I'll always take responsibility for the things I can touch, change and influence. I'll carry on being kind, even though my friends around me tells me not to be so kind to everyone. That at times I'm being too nice to people for my own good. I'll carry on treating people nicely. I'll rather face life as a honest fool than to not take responsibility for anything at all.

So to my imaginary readers, IF I can think all these and act it out. I challenge you people today. Take responsibility for yourself, your family, people you meet every single day. Be kind, be understanding, be genuine and most of all be responsible.

Like what Kick Ass said, "No power equals no responsibility. I don't think so."
I really don't think so.

Phi 4:13
But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Well with all that's happening lately. I guess there comes a point where I feel tired about people. Where I feel tired of caring. Where I feel like you just gotta escape from them. Where I just don't want to hear anything or thing about anything at all.

As I was feeling all that, someone came to me and apologise for her own attitude towards me during the day. To me it was like, I didn't even feel that way. After which I did more thinking. Could it be that I have been too patient with people, too understanding letting bad attitudes slip past me as nothing. Or have I become someone that loves people so much that these kind of treatment seems to be a small matter?

I feel like I should be harsher and sigficantly colder to people. However this is the emotional part of me thinking.

The me that everyone knows is the logical side. Which thinks like this, it doesn't matter how bad I feel. How angry, how disappointed, how tired of people what matters is that I did the right thing. Which is to suck it up and carry on loving people even though it's tiring, it's painful, and at times disappointing. It's all reducndant. What matters is that I did the right thing, I treated people fairly, I am genuinely concerned about their well-being. I still carried on loving others even if they have hurt me before.

I can't control how others treat me. But I can control how I treat others. Always using the logical side instead of the emotional part of my mind.

Actions speaks louder than words. Don't try to say how much it means through the mouth of others. I'd rather you show it to me by actions. I've done my part. I'm not going to try to keep things the way the were. I've already tried and done my part. I'm tired of it, if you want to keep it. Show it by your actions and deeds. I don't want to let it go, but a wise investor would know when to cut losses. I wish I could treat friendship like investments. But since I can't I'll just care from the sides without investing anymore time, effort or love.

I won't try to be part of your life and maybe I don't want you in my life anymore. But I'd always care about you, it's the same for anyone of us in the group, I'd always care no matter what happens to or between anyone of us. If it matters to you, do something to change it now.

Great word in season. The first time I went for service after the Op, and the word was like hitting me left right center. It's like every single point, every single example, every single word is targetted at me. God indeed works in miraculous ways.

Elijah was a great man of God. He had fought against the 450 prophets of baal, went against the then king Ahab. He had courage, confidence and faith. However even a man like this would fall victim to depression. He was worned out by the situation around him. The trauma that was inflicted on him. Most of all he felt forgotten and under-appreciated.

In a way, that is my plight. I used to be so independent, full of confidence and courage that I'll be able to handle anything that comes my way. Faith wise, I considered myself doing pretty well. However all that changed since entering NS and most of all sustaining the injury leading to my operation.

I was worned out by the situation at home. I was traumatised by my injury and under-appreciated and forgotten by my family and some of my friends who take it for granted that I'd always be strong for their sake. I guess I felt weak.

There were times where I cried out to God for deliverance. Especially from the thoughts that were haunting me. Many a times all I heard was "My grace is sufficient, it's more than enough" In the past before this whole thing started I've been through times when I cried out to God and heard the same thing or even just a word to look at the lives of Job and Samson. I felt like God didn't really answer me. It was only till today's word that I realised what God was actually trying to teach me and for me to experince it first hand was an experince I would never give up for anything in the world. Indeed His grace is sufficient.

2 cor 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Even now at times I feel under-appreciated, forgotten and taken for granted. But I know My God is above all and that under the different factors affecting me making me feeling weak His grace is indeed sufficient for me.

Through this injury I've felt weakned and defeated. But I've learnt how to really lean more on God and His grace indeed pulls me through. Even though people might have failed me or dissapointed me, Yes I am just that I don't show it, God never does. His grace and mercy will always follow those who really love Him