I don't know a lot of things.
BUT,
One thing I know.

I don't want to go back to camp on my fricking birthday!

As I was sitting in the bus today I saw a kid and his mum. Initially he was being annoying and a pest make a din of noise. As I got irritated I listened more intently trying to find ways to make he shut up. By saying something that will embarrass him. But as I listen he was just being super enthusiastic about going to a passar malam and about his favorite superhero. 

As I listen and look at him I felt so old suddenly. When was the last time I was super enthusiastic about anything? When was the last time I believed in heroes? I wonder if that's also true for most people right now. As we grow up we lost our energy and enthusiasm about things. We no longer did things like draping a red cloth behind our backs and pretending to be superman. Or did we? Or are we just suppressing the things and emotions we feel or think because of the expectations placed on us by the people around us? 

It made me think that as we grow up we lost not just our childishness but our strong belief in ourselves and a pure faith and heart. One that trust totally. 

As time went on the kid became tired and fell asleep in his mother's embrace. And when they reached their stop he woke up and kissed his mum saying I love you mummy. 

I just feel that kids are indeed pure. Their faith, their beliefs, their hearts and their love. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the biological Clock back to when I knew nothing at all. When I was just a kid. 

Is this what the bible meant in Matthew 18:2-3

 He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

When we were kids our hearts, beliefs, our faith, our love and our thoughts were so pure. I wonder now, if growing up was a good thing. Or rather, can we reach back to that state when we were pure. 

My only wish this year is simple. It's something everyone can give. But it can't be bought. And, No. It's not world peace.

It's just this,

That all those who used to be and is close to me right now. Be as close as we have ever been, if not closer to me. That's my only and greatest wish this year.



It's not that I have grown cold. But that, I think it's the other way around. You have grown cold.

I was talking to my friend just the other day about his issues and problems. And I'm shocked by the things I have said. He is going through certain issues in his life right now that's very similar to mine. But coming from my (composed) point of view since it's not my life, the advices and the things I have said could defintely apply to myself.

Right now, I'm just like a bottle of coke with a mentos and shaken left right and center. Inevitably that bottle should and will explode if we do not let the gas out. However all that I have been doing since I was 15 was just to hold on to it. Or even changing that bottle to a larger and stronger one so that it doesn't explode.

There are many underlying issues with my own emotions I have yet to deal with. I asked him about a few issues which I have see as his underlying issues and to all of which I couldn't answer it myself.

1) What is the greatest demonstration of love from another you have recieved?
2) What do you want out of others?
3) What are you holding on for? EGO or really loving the people whom you care for?

And to that, I stopped and pondered. Am I able to answer all of that? I do have an ego problem. I keep asking people what they want and what they need. BUT, I have yet to ask myself what do I want and need.

I've also told him that the reason why things are turning out like this is because he held everything in. He keeps on fighting based on his own strength. He puts on the facade that everything is alright. And, that will cause hurt to the people who truly cares and loves him.

So in that sense have I? Is this the reason why things have turned out the way it has? Because I keep everything to myself. My deepest and truest self have always been suppressed by my own expectations of myself. That I should hold everything in till I can't.

Just because I have a high standard which I uphold and keep from young. That doesn't mean it's common sense. Maybe in a sense that's what caused everything.

I've asked myself seriously for the first time. Do I love the people I say I care for. Verse from the bible keeps coming out to slam me in the face. I loved them in my heart and by certain actions. But I have not said it clearly, mainly due to my pride and warped conception that; Men are not supposed to show their emotions. Maybe in this way, I've hurt those I really loved. By not being honest with them.

I told him and people before emotions are not a sign of weakness. But, I myself fear to show my deepest and truest emotions in front of everyone.

So, for now. I'm just gonna be very critical of myself to change even more for the better. Not just how I carry myself. That is the root of the issue. I hold everything in painting this beautiful picture where nothing affects me to most people. I'm gonna deal with the deepest and darkest part of myself, my emotional issues that have been neglected for years.

And, the answer to one of the question right now. This much I know for sure. It's not because of ego that I still love the people who have hurt me. It's not ego that I hold on to relationships that mattered. Be it as friends or more. I really still love you people.

I wonder if you'll be glad to know what you have done to me.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you

Traditional Irish Blessing

Was reading my old notes about things and all. I came across this and thought that putting this up here can serve to remind me of things I once knew and held dear to. So... Here goes.

Values that I feel we should have

1 timothy 3:2-3 says that,

"Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money"

1 timothy 3:8-10 also says that,

"Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons. "

these 2 verses are talking about leadership roles. BUT I feel this are the qualities any MAN be it a leader or not should have.

1) above reproach (blameless in his outward conduct. To be upright and just in his dealings with others)
2) the husband of one wife (faithfulness)
3) temperate (meek in nature)
4) self-controlled (control over his actions at any point in time)
5) respectable (worthy of being respected)
6) hospitable (generous and caring)
7) able to teach (self defined)
8) not given to drunkenness (does not drink to get drunk/ doesn't drinks a lot)
9) not violent but gentle (meekness/ does not show his displeasure by inflicting pain on offending party)
10) not quarrelsome (does not seek after quarrels or fights)
11) not a lover of money (money is not the number 1 piority)
12) sincere (not hypocrites)
13) not pursuing dishonest gain (does not seek to use others to his own benefits)
14) They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience (having strong convictions in the biblical/moral truths without any wavering)


Even if I have this thoughts and convictions I'm not proud to say this but
I have failed some of them. True pressure brings out the hidden imperfections. I'm after all still a work in progress.