Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

In a way I've said what I needed to say. Or rather what I've been dying to say yet controling myself not to.

In a way that makes me more relieved because I no longer have a reason to carry on doing what I've been doing. And I mean what I say.

MIXTAPE

You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know

But you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
You don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish that there was more than that
About me and you

[Bridge]
Oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me
Your friend and I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
That you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
And it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em
And let's get messed up and listen to probably...

The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you

I loved the sermon today. The key take away is that there are 3 types of prayer for wisdom.

1st, to avoid getting into trials.
2nd, to get out of trials as fast as possible.
3rd, to understand and appreciate God's will for that trial.

When we are led into temptations and trials we should not be led away to wander for other solutions. We don't cry out for other alternatives but to cry out to our Father God for help.

I've always known that in trials we can't follow our emotions. We can only use our logic and rejoice in it. For I've learnt the hard way that, most spiritual lessons have a VERY high tuition fee BUT we can't decide when school's in session only God can. However ultimately we will be able to get through this emerging as a better man. Therefore the wisdom of prayer should be for the 3rd type of prayer to know God's will for that trial. To seek after His heart.

Sometimes the devil gives us certain things in order for us to feel that we did it in by our own power.
Sometimes we lie to ourselves telling ourselves that God gave me this and God gave me that. However that's a lie to ourselves. Because so long as we claim any part of it as our own it's no longer an offering to God.
This trial is a trial to see if we can remain humble enough to not claim any glory on our own. To not have any pride in ourselves.

The devil is smart enough to place "breakthroughs" in our lives to mock us. But God our father is able to turn it around for our good. BUT that will only occur if we are able to give glory and praise to Him in all things and for all things.

Therefore the wisdom we should all have and seek is the 3rd kind to understand and appreciate God's will for that trial.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the things that could happen to me. I have never cried so much in a year over people. Or more like I have never cried over people since I was 9. I have never felt so much emotional pain that I felt a real physical pain stabbing at me. I have never lost my cool so much. I have never thought that I would say just immature stuff. I would have never condemn myself so much. I have never spent 24 hours scolding myself. I have never tried to sleep and tears wouldn't stop. I have never felt this tired trying to hold the different pieces of me together. I have never felt like such a liar. To put on the front everything is alright in front of my family and still hold it in for them. To handle their problems, to solve their issues to stay up the entire night looking after them. How much more can I take?

To listen to the whining and problems of my friends and tell them everything is gonna be alright. To give them advices, to allow them to rely on me. Where I have no one to rely on. No one to tell me what to do. No one who is able to tell me everything is gonna be alright. I'm scared I'll turn crazy. I'm scared at the end of the day I'll be totally crushed and ending up like how my friend told me.

I'm really terrified. All that is left for me at the end of the road. Through another one of these crushing trials, another heartache is that. God never allows me to go through more than what I can bear. That to be an elite you have to go through elite's training. I'm sick, I'm drained. But who do I have to turn to. Who on earth has paused and asked if Li Xin can take it. Nope, it's always I cannot take it. Li Xin has to give in, he has to suck it up. It's always can you look in my shoes. Have you ever looked in Li Xin's shoes.

I don't want to be crushed. The only thing left is just holding on desperately that I'll not lose my faith. And experince once again, the sufficent grace of God.

Despicable me was kinda awesome actually. It totally proved my assumption of animated movies sucks. It has also reminded me a few simple facts that I myself have forgotten.

1) Kids might be powerless to impact the society. But they can change us with their pure love.
2) Whether we like it or not, family is the most important. Be it related by blood or just friends who are so close and dear to us like family.
3) Sometimes all it takes is for us to just forget our own agendas and have fun.
4) Most people position and envision them as someone they thought they should be. But sometimes we forget who we really are.
5) Praise is the sunlight of the human soul. Without which we cannot flourish.
6) Sometimes all it takes is to acknowledge the effort of someone and we can alter the course of their lives.


That being said. Here's one interesting topic to think about. Are we nice to be loved or loving nice people.

Which I think, is pretty normal don't you think? While reading the previous post these questions came into my mind.

Like being late shows or tells me that you don't value or respect my time. If you do not respect my time isn't that like saying that I don't matter at all?
If you expect a high standard for others shouldn't you expect a higher standard from yourself?

Money is hard to earn, therefore we should only spend when necessary.
Who likes someone who curse and swear like some babarian all the time?
Would a guy like a woman who's smelly and dress like some weirdo?
Isn't honesty valued?

If life is not in a schedule how would people be able to squeeze time for all the things they need to do and have time to spend with their close ones?
If you do not take care of your own health who will and who can?

If your thoughts are so easily swayed what kind of person are you? Shouldn't you be firm in your choices and not influenced by peer pressure?

Why should people go from liking one person to another so easily?
Why should guys be at the whim of girls?
Isn't there a saying once bitten twice shy?

Was getting so bored that I read this. Which at some point in time quite true. So here's to share.

Virgo Man

Time is precious for Virgo man and if you make him wait, he will consider that as an insult. He hates to hear criticism and hates to be criticize. If he is criticizing other people, then he must be influenced by other Zodiac. He is and he likes to be a perfectionist. He always think he is doing the right and appropriate thing , and often he thinks he makes no mistake. He is a bright guy and could accept comments if he thinks it can improve himself. He is the type who well adjusted to make changes.

He will spend money carefully and spent it worthwhile. He will only extravagant for his personal pleasure only. He is quite romantic, the type of guy who will drive 100 miles just to tell you how much he misses you. If he does not care about you, he will not even spent a dime to call you locally. Long distant special low rate call is also out of the question.

He hates rough and crude people. His woman has to be clean and dress well. He inspects any thing in details beside being a perfectionist, so you could be lying in your bikini with a perfect figure and he can suddenly comments you about your big feet. If you gain 2 pounds , he may comments you are getting too fat. Before going out with this kind of guy, look at yourself head to toe in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really and entirely ready. Unless he dates a model, then he will have less comments.

He is neat and tidy, so his life always in a schedule, a fix time to lunch, the same time to go home. He is well knowledgable about food and conscious about nutrition, so you won't see this guy eating a junk food, or strange and exotic food for sure.

You will see him in social events or party if only necessary. He is gifted with acting, so if he says he can not go out with you because he is sick, then you will believe him. He is a hard to please when it comes to what to eat, how to work, what kind of a woman to date. He always neat and tidy all the times, even if he is in the army, he will be the cleanest soldier in the camp. He likes to speak properly with no slang. He hates laziness and lazy people. He always act like a boring mature adults, but getting to know him, you will know he has his own charm.

He always see things clearly, so he is not the type to be blinded by love. He is a kind and cool guy, but if constantly irritate with rudeness, ignorant, or stupidity then he will show you that he is annoyed. You may see a guy in this Zodiac dress up in an old shirt and old Jean, but if you look carefully, you will see that his hair is neat and consciously he will touch his hair a lot. His desk is always neat and if he sees small scrap paper on the floor, he will pick it up or put it in the basket.

People may think he is selfish, because when he says "No", he really means it. Any favor asked , he will help but always in his own limit. The more he see faults in others, the less he wants people to see his. If you want him to change his faults, try to tell him gently or he could take it as an insult.

He wants love that comes with quality, so he only has a few loves in his life. Woman's trick will not work with him. If he breaks up with a woman, he will also try to avoid all her friends and her environments too. He is very picky and every breaking up, he will be double careful next time. He can sweep woman with his charm, but he likes to keep his relationship like a friend. He likes a sincere self confident woman, neat and clean, perfect and tidy. A real two "P" , picky and perfectionist Zodiac.

I think before being a man. One must first learn basic courtesy and etiqutte. One cannot claim or talk about being a man if you do not know the basic things that follow after it.

I think it takes something for someone younger than you to talk to you about being a man. I was just pointing out things as you said. "Pointing out things that could be improved." But you just believed that what you did was right. Why comment when you're not making an effort to do it? Why comment when you didn't even have the proper manners or etiqutte? Like offering to help or letting the person you're commenting rest when he/she is doing it constantly without ceasing? Don't you think it's basic courtesy of a MAN to do so?

Don't you think it IS proper manners and etiqutte when you need something to be done, or rather to TROUBLE someone to get things down for you. TO ASK PROPERLY. Instead of being rude and all? I think and feel that anybody would if they see their close friends being treated rudely be a little angered.

The funny thing was things shouldn't and wouldn't have turn out this way if you didn't insist on your way. To talk about it immediately. The person was just talking about the issue but you insisted otherwise how it was NEVER your fault, how YOU NEVER NEEDED TO OWE that person anything. Your "apology" sounded more like, "fine! I'm sorry for that BUT I'm not at fault!" WOW WHAT AN APOLOGY! After totally pissing someone of not about the issue but about your attitude. You want the person to talk normally or react normally to you? What a JOKE.

I'm sorry but I'm DEFINTELY not that nice or kind-hearted. I'll not try to be nice for the sake of being nice. I'm just gonna be 100% real.

Talk about being a man. Talk about leadership. What a joke. Seriously. What is your definition of a man? Yourself? Stop lying to yourself. If others suppress what they feel about you are you really leading? If it takes someone who is frank enough to tell you what they feel and what they think shouldn't you embrace that person as a friend instead of making him so pissed that he wants to ignore you?

As always, I don't have to show my displeasure openly. BUT, I don't have to want to interact with you unless necessary.

So seriously as far as I'm concerned I don't have to approve of you to accept you. Neither do I have to like you as a friend to work with you. Nor do I need to interact with you to be normal with you.

Ok, enough with the angsty post.

I shall share or rather post about some of the interesting things I've heard or conversations I have been involved in.


Friend: All the girls you liked before are pretty crazy in some area don't you think.
Me: No la where got. *pause* actually true huh.

Another conversation that went like this with a different friend.

Friend: I where got blur. I where got blur.
Me: you confirm blur. wanna test it?
Friend: Why not?
Me: You are a B-I-M-B-O
Friend: *looks in the air trying hard to think* *took out her handphone and typed it out* *pauses for like 5 seconds* Eh! How can you say me like that.
Me: That just proves my point. HAHA!


HAHAAHAHA! That's just the tip of the icerberg shall carry on blogging about the rest on another day.

It just proves how much it matters. I won't be saying much. I might even put on the facade nothing is wrong. Will you even know or realise. I think not.

But seriously who gives a shit.

Go shit in your hand and piss off.

Being Nice VS being Real

I was thinking through the day about the differences in a nice guy and a guy trying to be nice. Fundamentally to people it is the same thing. Because generally the results is that that guy treats everyone nicely. BUT, it is really different.

Trying your best to be a nice guy without really understanding or changing your internal set of values to be one (in my opinion) causes one to be frequently depressed and suffer from intermittent explosiveness, career confusion or job meaningless, ambiguous anxiety, low awareness of one's own needs, either flat or explosive relationbships, resentment about being the victim of "mean people" and subtle self hate.

All these emotions are caused by bottling everything up in an attempt to be nice. Ultimately when there's an outlet you lash out everything onto it. Be it martial arts classes, an unsuspecting child or even your loved ones. Resulting them in pushing them further and further away from you. Which in turn will make you try to be a nicer to them and the vicious cycle carries on.

This I feel is caused by the unawareness of self identity, trying too hard to please people; exchanging your true self for that tiny little bit of perverted praise from others. How many a times in our own education system we often scold/reprimand those who are more active(disruptive) in classes? How often it is we force our set of character and expectations on others, when it is obivious that everyone is different. So in a way, we enslave or are enslaved by these "whips of the education systems" which conformed us to behave in a certain set way.

Is being nice to others so important or being true to ones own character and values? The human mind or rather human beings are bio-psycho-social-spiritual beings. In some ways thats like the chain of piorities in our lives. If we link it to Maslow's hierarchy of needs you'll find it links totally. So in sense, Humans on a general after the basic needs such as food, water, breathing clothing, shelter and sex(yes you heard me right sex) are met, crave and hunger the most for praise and acceptance.

But in a sad way, we are enslaved by that basic need. So in order to meet that need in our own lives we start to force ourselves to conform to a certain set of behavior that we believe are accepted or even well-liked by others. We try to be nice guys, we try to keep up to the latest trend of fashion, dress up according to the group we would want to be indentified with. All in all sometimes suppressing our true self from showing.

Ultimately I believe that the most important thing is to be true to oneself. Why should we be so concerned about how others think of us? As long as we did what was right to us and we're able to answer up for our actions and also to God. Why should we force ourselves to behave in a certain manner?

Why force ourselves to behave in a certain manner and end up feeling depressed, intermittent explosiveness, career confusion or job meaningless, ambiguous anxiety, low awareness of one's own needs, either flat or explosive relationbships, resentment about being the victim of "mean people" and subtle self hate.

In contrast instead of trying to be a nice guy and that you're real (being nice without having to try to conform to a certain set of behavior). Basically it means that you understand the reason of being nice. That you are nice because you see the larger picture ahead. That you genuinely want to contribute to the well being of others. which in a sense is totally following what Jesus said once before. "... to love your neighbour as yourself" luke 10:27. Because you love yourself your own well-being to be taken care of. Thus if we are able to love your neighbour as ourselves we would contribute to the well-being of others.

So what are you doing today? trying to be nice. Or genuinely being nice. Are we loving our neighbour as ourselves or are we just keeping our judgements and emotions inside?

I believe to cure this "nice guy" disease we got to start changing firstly, ourselves. Secondly, the way we bring up our future generation. Thirdly, the education system. Lastly to be true to ourselves no matter what occasion.

We have to be nice, but that doesn't mean we must force ourselves to be nice. We can understand the hurts of others and point it out to them so that they can see it in their own light. Because when we are hurt we usually tend to not want to acknowledge the fact that we are hurt.

So what's your choice? To carry on suffering for this "nice guy" disease or to change the situation of slavery to please people one by one. Starting from the man in the mirror.