I now know why sometimes I get into trouble when I don't want to get it, after a random observation by someone whom I'm not close with.

Was just talking casually with a new person in drama ministry from SOT. Then one of the drama members asked, Lex, it sounded like you're trying to pick her up.

It was only then, I realised that sometimes me being friendly to girls might be actually coming off as sending the wrong signals and in a way subconciously I was being filrtatious. Which resulted in a lot of unnecessary issues with the opposite sex.

That being said. Guess sometimes it's better not to be Mr. Nice guy all the time.

updates about my leg for those who actually read this.

ACL MCL tear. LCL grade II sprain. Head of tibia and femur micro fractures with bone marrow edema. lateral menicus radial rupture. Tibia out of place.

For now, this hurts like crap. But I know God will only allow things to happen IF it's gonna make me become who He wants me to be.

I hate being weak, hate being reliant, hate this sense of helplessness. Just gonna hold on and believe.

Sometimes things don't really matter anymore. It's as though things don't matter anymore. People that was close are not. Perhaps this is a hopelessness due to the perfectionist character in me.

Things change and people too. For now, I'm just too tired to do anything for anyone or anything. Rather I don't want to do anything anymore. Will God come through this time around. Why am I getting softer on the inside where things matter and hurt so much.

I'm just too tired. Too tired of people. Too tired of things. Too tired of always striving always doing my best. Perhaps it's sometimes better to be weak, dumb and without the drive to succeed. I am so so tired.

Starting afresh once more. A new chapter of my life. As the word of God says, the end of a matter is always better than the beggining. So moving on as always I'll trust in Him. Ironically as I've injured my ligament it really puts me into perspective. Just like how Jacob's hip was wrenched out due to the fact he was wrestling with God. He walked with a limp and leaned on God for the rest of his life. I will also lean on God even more.

Well, for now. This is gonna be a place where I put down my struggles and breakthroughs. Hopefully this will be a place where I can see myself growing.

2/3/2010
fell down and tore my ligament. Thought it was a sprain
3/3/2010
MO said I tore my ligament. 2 days MC
5/3/2010
1 more day of MC and was told that i'll most prob OOC.
(was still positive and believed that I'd recover by 2 weeks)

7/3/2010
was really down on spirits as I realised that it's not really possible for me to do anything at all. Regrets filled my heart. The pain of actually being pitied was coming down hard on me. In addition the inability to do anything for myself and contribute to others. That sucked big time. As well as the fact that I who was once at the top can no longer be a the top. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it is vulnerability. I don't really care what I know is that this sucked.
8/3/2010
specialist appointment. told of operation on 15 april. physiotheraphy session, it was really painful.
9/3/2010
tried swimming and doing activities to raise my spirits. But to no avail I became fed up with myself and my plight. Mum was really negative to the point of annoyance. Really want to get back to my normal state. Not going to give up without a fight.
10/3/2010
Decided that I'm not going to give up on myself. That I can always fight for myself, to recover and gain back my strength. Just like samson lost his hair and strength. I can alway get them back. If God is for me who then can be against me. Just gonna do my best and let God do the rest and have faith in Him. He directs the paths of the righteous.