Many things have happened. Many things will happen. But, I'll carry on hoping for the best in everything. I will not forget the promises God have made to me. I will not forsake the vision given to me. I will carry on believing and doing the best I can. It's not just about the physical actions but attitudes and spiritual actions in faith that shows I have yet given up hope.

I will carry on hoping. My God will bring me through this shit.

Have
Only
Positive
Thoughts

Holding
Onto
Prayer
Everyday.


Use me as you will. Lead me through. Teach me how to rely, how to lean on you.

I was talking on the phone with a close friend of mine. It really ironic how my own words comes back to bite me. This was what I said on Facebook " I don't like it when people complain or whine and I can't tell them that in fact the reason for your problems is your own poor management of your resources. In fact all problems comes because you don't know how to use your resources."

When I was talking with my friend, this came out of his mouth. "Lex, you need to learn how to use your resources. You're like using a AA battery for a ferrari. The reason why you feel fustrated at yourself."

And as I was thinking. It's really true. I have never been a kid, never felt like a kid and have never whined to get my way like a kid. I keep pouring out myself to everyone and everything. But that's just a bad management of my resources. I am not superman, even though I believe and think of myself as one.

John 7:37-39
" On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; for the Holy Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified."

I believe that the spirit includes the fruits of the spirit as well. And most of all I lacked love. Not love for another. But love for myself. I judge myself stricter than I judge others. Resulting in me being very harsh and unforgiving to myself. I hold myself to my mistakes and harp on them more than others harp on it. AND, my friend wasted no time in pointing that out.

In a way, this was resulted from my upbringing. I never had a chance to be a kid. Never had a chance to just rely on my parents rather, it has been the other way around. To this day, I never remembered a time where I actually confided in my parents about my sorrows or problems. This in a way has caused me to rely on my strengths. Because I have never experince what it is like to rely on a parent, and so even though I know that My God is my Heavenly Father. I have yet to learn what's it like to be filled in his fatherly love and embrace him and be embraced by him like a kid.

So how on earth was I using my resources wisely? I kept pouring out myself in love without getting refilled by God to the point where rivers of living water was flowing. That it my sight now is plain stupidity.

I had a fun time hanging out with some friends I'm not really close with. Even though, yes it annoying because some of them keep touching my body. Guys and girls alike. I'm a little disturbed by it. However it was still great fun just to hang out with no agendas.

Throughout this outing I was talking to a guy who I can click rather well with. Him also being a good friend to one of my closest friends so I decided to share some of my issues with him as he was sharing with me his. So we began to open up to one another. As I shared with him some of my issues. He paused and said this, I can hear your pain just by you telling me.

As he said that I wonder, how is it that someone whom I am not particulary close to could hear and sense my pain. And those whom I see every week could hardly even feel it?

I wonder if the very person who caused me this much pain would even know it. Or even if this person would even feel guilty or sad about it. I guess not.
I wonder if those who have given me the heaviest burdens knows that I am in fact also drowning from the combined load of my own issues and theirs?

I think I understand now why some people turn to alcohol abuse. Sticks and stones might kill me but whiskey never does.

But more than that, I know that My God is more than enough for me.

All I need now is a beer and a nice long walk up mount faber. Mount Faber has been like my Mount Sanai since I was secondary 3. I have yet to go up there in ages, courtesy of my leg. I only go there where I am really at my wits end of things.

It's been really quite some time since I last went there. I don't care what happens to my leg. But I just want and need to head up there.

Sometimes all it takes is one. One thing to make me leave. One thing to make me stay. One thing to make me give up. One thing to make me hold on. For me I know for sure, the one thing that made me hold on this long and in a sense strong still. I know, it's not by my own might. But by the power of the Holy Spirit and God's grace.

In an interesting way, there's one application in Facebook that I added just for fun. But somehow it seems to be speaking the right words in my life right now.


On this day of your life, Lex, we believe God wants you to know ... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being. Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.


It indeed is pretty heavy with everything that's going on right now. And, NOBODY knows the full story and the entire burden I am carrying. But no matter. I'll carry on staying strong, carry on holding on.

I pray for the day where I will be somewhat restored to how I was like and even stronger. For I know that perserverance will develop character I will have an even bigger capacity for things.

Lord, I'll carry on trusting no matter what happens.

I am not frigging superman. But I can try to be. I know I can do it and I will do it. For it is when I am weak that you're the strongest. AND I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It is the pain of being a man that teaches a guy how to be a better man every single day.

I don't know if this is good or bad. But I kinda dislike myself now. I dislike myself for trying to be strong when I'm feeling weak. I dislike myself for giving so much to others. I feel disgusted at myself.

Maybe this is just negative thoughts attacking me. But I know I am doing the best of what I can do. I know I am doing the right thing even when I don't feel like it. It's the same as the past, only with the exception that my emotions are so much clearer to myself than ever before.

Lord, give me more wisdom, grace and mercy so that I'll know how to handle all these thoughts, emotions and convictions.

Right now, I'm standing guard by Geraldine at CGH. It really does feel like I'm a Dad watching over his daughter.

I wonder IF I have to go through another trial or situation at the hospital where I have to stay. Who will be there? Will I have to go through another heartache where those that I expected will not be there. Or those I no longer want to be. Only time will tell. For there might be a chance where I might have to go again.

If this the mark of a minstry. I hope not. It's enough pain. I rather limp and lean on God for the rest of my life than to go through another of this.

Let's hope not. Keeping my fingers crossed and my faith up high.

I wonder what Jesus felt like when He took on all the sickness and diseases for us. If He could have done it willingly it must have been because He saw all the pain and suffering that we might have gone through if He have not bore it. How great is His love for us!

I felt that I've gained another level in understanding how God thinks and feels towards us. I hated the part of me that feels like crap when I see the people I care about is afflicted by sickness or things. I hope and wish I could take their places. But I know I can't. It's only a thought that WE as humans can only think of that when we have personal bonds and relationships with the other party. BUT Jesus did it for all of us. Regardless whether will we know Him or acknowledge Him as our Lord and savior.

How deep indeed is His love for us. That while we were still sinners He died for us. For someone who might not come to know Him at all. While we were faithless He is faithful.

I got reminded of the many times I failed God. About the many heartbreaks I had. The many breakthroughs and the many blessings that came along with the trial and tribulations. How each time The Lord my God is still faithful, just and gracious towards me. The many times I fought against men with my own abilities. Wrestled against God with my own pride and logic. He is still my heavenly Father and continually loves me.

So in the midst of all my situation and crisis, I know that God has a plan for me. I will not run, I will carry on fighting in FAITH that my God can deliver. But it's all within His timing.


O Lord, nothing can measure the depth and the breath of Your love towards us.

I feel that in recent times, I have nothing to fear. For I have already faced my deepest fears or rather they have already occured or I'm living in them.

I have nothing that excites me. For everything is so mundane that it is obivious in my sight. Nothing suprises me anymore. I have experinced too many events one after another that any other thing seems dull.

I have nothing that I can accomplish in army right now. I have my awards, glory and chance to stand at the very top. I had also lost my chance to perform or shine anymore in army being a clerk now.


I have nothing that makes me feel alive for the time being.
There are times I feel i'm just a lone man taking on everything that is going against me, without anyone I would share my deepest sorrows with. Not that I don't have people around me. But rather I choose not to anymore, the less people know. The better things would be.


I'm only waiting for doctor's approval for me to start training like how I used to. Sprinting, heavy weight training, resistance training and also to start on extreme sports that I'm keen on. MMA, Free running, Parkour, etc.

Maybe that will make me feel alive till I can start living my own life after I ORD. Can't wait for it.


What's life without thrill, the feeling of adreanaline pumping, the increasing heart rate. The feeling of fear, the feeling of excitment. The feeling of accomplisment, of having overcome obstacles set against our way. Without which we can hardly count to be alive.

I hate that I am serious on the inside and on the exterior I put on the facade that everything's ok and trival. It sucks that EVERY single thing is a serious matter to me. I should really learn how to take things easy. WaaYYYYYYY easier.

I wonder why, it causes me a little bit of distress. What could this mean?

I think I need a well deserved break from everything.

I think after ORD-ing. I'm gonna work for 2 months and go on a trip either back-packing or just hang out at a FANTASTIC beach or forest or some fun/adventurous place for ONE ENTIRE MONTH, and be uncontactable, no phones, no emails, no facebook, no twitter.

The purpose is to take a well deserved break from all the mental and emotional clutter.

For the time being I should let go and cast away of all inhibitions of everything and anything. Instead of always caring what others would feel if I do this or that. I shall just do what makes me really happy.

What happens in vegas the movie,
I'll rather do nothing and be happy then do something and not be happy.

Small mistakes, Big consequences.

I was talking to my friend about how our little choices makes a difference in our current state. How it all snowballs and affects how our future would have been. How our choices determines our present and what are those choices. For myself personally there have been way too many cross roads in my life. I now, wished sometimes I took a different route.

1) mixing with the wrong crowd in secondary school.
- I mixed with the "cool" crowd and neglected my studies.

2) Smoking and drinking
- If I didn't I would have saved up even more money.

3) Not joining a sport for CCA in secondary school.
- If I had I would have accomplished much much more.

4) Never got persuaded to started gaming.
- I would not have been addicted to games and studied more and also not get influenced by the stuff on internet.

5) Working during poly days.
- I would have gotten better grades.

6) Joining Canoeing in poly
- I might not have gotten to national team. I might not have accomplish something in poly. BUT I might not have so much pride and confidence in myself.

7) Entering into Nationals
- I wouldn't have quitted canoeing at the final few months of my year 2 in poly.

8) Slacking for a month after I finished my final exams in poly
- would have saved more money and not get so complacent.

9) Doing my best in BMT.
- Things would have been different, I would not have been labeled as a threat by those OCS want-to-go people and have a more enjoyable time during BMT.

But all the above are small mistakes Which I think mattered little to me. Obviously IF I had not done as I did I would be a very different man. One who is most probably atheletic, studious, innocent and most probably A LOT richer. But these mistakes also allowed me to meet the people who I care about deeply, allowed me to meet those close to me and of cos those who I HAD fun with.

However THESE are my BIGGEST regrets, thing would have been A LOT DIFFERENT if I didn't do this.

10) leaving church after a disagreement and other complications.
- I wouldn't have been away from God for 2-3 years.
- I would have been serving in a greater way.

11) Playing basketball out of my own schedule during FS course.
- I wouldn't have spent 5 months in pain.
- I would have passed out as a FS getting 400 dollars more per month.
- I MIGHT have gotten the golden bayonet and course best PT.
- I wouldn't have had quarrels with certain friends.
- I wouldn't have been depressed.
- I would have gotten my FIC and NCAP level 2.
- I would have been enjoying my life right now.
- I wouldn't have felt so emotionally stressed out now.
- I would have still remained close to SOMEONE.
- I wouldn't have changed this much.
- I wouldn't have forced myself to make a decision to cut off some bonds with others that I treasure even till now. In hopes that I would have become more like myself after a long period of time.


In these mistakes/crossroads in my life I know for sure, God's hand was there moving me closer to him and drawing me to him. Through all these trials and testing I've seen His power, His love and His grace.

For the 10th and 11th I regret it immensely, I wished I could turn back time and reverse it. I wish it never happened. It pains me physically, emotionally and spiritually greatly. All I can pray for and believe in is that God's hand is indeed in motion in this mistake. That it is indeed for His power, love and grace for me to go through this.

I shall not be like the children of Israel in the wilderness and complain about God leading me through trials. What's done is done. All I can believe is that my God will lead me through, His grace is sufficent and that His ways are higher than my ways His thoughts higher than my thoughts.


Isaiah 55:8-10
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Jeremiah 29:10-12

This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

If a guy like me can get jealous, that's a big thing.
but I'll never let the person I'm jealous for know.
maybe this is pride, maybe i'm just a fool.
BUT one thing I know.
it's the best thing I can do for now.
to control myself.
to restraint myself.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Sometimes bad things happen when you feel like you don't deserve it.
Sometimes bad things just happen and you just have to STACO (suck thumb and carry on)

This hurt like hell still. But, let's just wait and see I'll defintely get back on my feet. Literally and metaphorically. I'll never give in to the negative things in my life right now. NEVER.

Perharps someday I will and I can look back and say this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I can never change the past. BUT, I can change the future.

God's grace and MY will will and shall carry me through this.