I'm scared. I'm scared of the things that could happen to me. I have never cried so much in a year over people. Or more like I have never cried over people since I was 9. I have never felt so much emotional pain that I felt a real physical pain stabbing at me. I have never lost my cool so much. I have never thought that I would say just immature stuff. I would have never condemn myself so much. I have never spent 24 hours scolding myself. I have never tried to sleep and tears wouldn't stop. I have never felt this tired trying to hold the different pieces of me together. I have never felt like such a liar. To put on the front everything is alright in front of my family and still hold it in for them. To handle their problems, to solve their issues to stay up the entire night looking after them. How much more can I take?

To listen to the whining and problems of my friends and tell them everything is gonna be alright. To give them advices, to allow them to rely on me. Where I have no one to rely on. No one to tell me what to do. No one who is able to tell me everything is gonna be alright. I'm scared I'll turn crazy. I'm scared at the end of the day I'll be totally crushed and ending up like how my friend told me.

I'm really terrified. All that is left for me at the end of the road. Through another one of these crushing trials, another heartache is that. God never allows me to go through more than what I can bear. That to be an elite you have to go through elite's training. I'm sick, I'm drained. But who do I have to turn to. Who on earth has paused and asked if Li Xin can take it. Nope, it's always I cannot take it. Li Xin has to give in, he has to suck it up. It's always can you look in my shoes. Have you ever looked in Li Xin's shoes.

I don't want to be crushed. The only thing left is just holding on desperately that I'll not lose my faith. And experince once again, the sufficent grace of God.