Been doing a lot of thinking after someone close to me said that I've changed. How I'm not like the old me. How I was a lot stronger than who I am now. Prayed for a long time, the longest I have for this year. I realised that nothing much has changed except for one point.

I've lost my courage. The courage that always never gives up, the tenacity and drive to prove others and my circumstances wrong. For the first time in my life, it seemed that my courage has lost to circumstances surrounding me. It has been ages since I felt like I couldn't do anything about my situation and I'm worried or stressed out by it. I always said that, there 2 things we should never worry about, things we can do something about and things we can do nothing about. Apparently, I have been worrying bout both. Cos somehow it seems really out of my control. Too many situations and circumstances are out of my control. Too many things have allowed fear to creep into my heart. Driving out my courage and faith in myself.

I've also realised why and how I seem strong and impressive to others. It's all because of courage. I was so much braver and in a way radiate the courage. Like what the movie Coach Carter said in the end.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people wouldn't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

for me right now, Courage and Fear Holds these 2 definitions.

Courage.

Is not the lack of fear, it's overcoming them.

Fear

Is not a physcological thing, it's just the lack of courage and faith.

Apparently that has been what I have been doing till the past 3 months. Perharps it was the people in NS that made me want to stand out, as I would want to fit in and not let other people feel insecure around me. Unconciously that courage was lost. That has made me to this state. During my own prayer time I could hear God telling me clearly to look at the difference in how I would have handled things. I can even imagine the old me giving myself advice. It's time I would take the advices the old me would have told me now and make it work.

I'm not ordinary. And I will never be. I don't have to try to make myself fit in with the turkeys in my life. I don't have to lose my courage to be accepted. I don't have to lose my courage and faith in myself to situations. I don't have to give up. And I wil NEVER ever give up. I will NEVER ever wallow in self pity. I will NEVER ever let myself indulge in reliance to others. I will NEVER say die. I will NEVER throw myself to destruction. I will NEVER lose that courage and that light in my heart. I will let it radiate even stronger than ever.

This is gonna be the first and last time I've lost my courage. NEVER will there be such a emotion in my heart. There's not gonna be a single negative word in my dictionary from now on.

Picking myself up and moving on.