As I was mediating on the word. God reminded me of Jacob and how he's life turn out to be. In this sitution I'm really like Jacob. I had struggled with man and God for far too long. Wrestling with my own desires and my own agendas. Even though on the surface many would say I am dedicated to God. But God looks much deeper. Somehow the little part of me that refuses to yield and rely on God and others. Always trusting in my own strenght. In a way, wrestled with God and man for far too long. In the life story of Jacob there was once he wrestled with God and God told him in
Genesis 32:28b
because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.

In a way, I have done that throughout my life. But the main thing here was that after which he limped for the rest of his life. Leaning heavily on God. I guess this is the major lesson to learn this time around. Why should I continue struggling? Where I can just start to rely and lean more on God. At the same time stop pushing people away and preventing them from getting too close with me.