I was talking to my friend just the other day about his issues and problems. And I'm shocked by the things I have said. He is going through certain issues in his life right now that's very similar to mine. But coming from my (composed) point of view since it's not my life, the advices and the things I have said could defintely apply to myself.

Right now, I'm just like a bottle of coke with a mentos and shaken left right and center. Inevitably that bottle should and will explode if we do not let the gas out. However all that I have been doing since I was 15 was just to hold on to it. Or even changing that bottle to a larger and stronger one so that it doesn't explode.

There are many underlying issues with my own emotions I have yet to deal with. I asked him about a few issues which I have see as his underlying issues and to all of which I couldn't answer it myself.

1) What is the greatest demonstration of love from another you have recieved?
2) What do you want out of others?
3) What are you holding on for? EGO or really loving the people whom you care for?

And to that, I stopped and pondered. Am I able to answer all of that? I do have an ego problem. I keep asking people what they want and what they need. BUT, I have yet to ask myself what do I want and need.

I've also told him that the reason why things are turning out like this is because he held everything in. He keeps on fighting based on his own strength. He puts on the facade that everything is alright. And, that will cause hurt to the people who truly cares and loves him.

So in that sense have I? Is this the reason why things have turned out the way it has? Because I keep everything to myself. My deepest and truest self have always been suppressed by my own expectations of myself. That I should hold everything in till I can't.

Just because I have a high standard which I uphold and keep from young. That doesn't mean it's common sense. Maybe in a sense that's what caused everything.

I've asked myself seriously for the first time. Do I love the people I say I care for. Verse from the bible keeps coming out to slam me in the face. I loved them in my heart and by certain actions. But I have not said it clearly, mainly due to my pride and warped conception that; Men are not supposed to show their emotions. Maybe in this way, I've hurt those I really loved. By not being honest with them.

I told him and people before emotions are not a sign of weakness. But, I myself fear to show my deepest and truest emotions in front of everyone.

So, for now. I'm just gonna be very critical of myself to change even more for the better. Not just how I carry myself. That is the root of the issue. I hold everything in painting this beautiful picture where nothing affects me to most people. I'm gonna deal with the deepest and darkest part of myself, my emotional issues that have been neglected for years.

And, the answer to one of the question right now. This much I know for sure. It's not because of ego that I still love the people who have hurt me. It's not ego that I hold on to relationships that mattered. Be it as friends or more. I really still love you people.