Many things have happened. Many things will happen. But, I'll carry on hoping for the best in everything. I will not forget the promises God have made to me. I will not forsake the vision given to me. I will carry on believing and doing the best I can. It's not just about the physical actions but attitudes and spiritual actions in faith that shows I have yet given up hope.

I will carry on hoping. My God will bring me through this shit.

Have
Only
Positive
Thoughts

Holding
Onto
Prayer
Everyday.


Use me as you will. Lead me through. Teach me how to rely, how to lean on you.

I was talking on the phone with a close friend of mine. It really ironic how my own words comes back to bite me. This was what I said on Facebook " I don't like it when people complain or whine and I can't tell them that in fact the reason for your problems is your own poor management of your resources. In fact all problems comes because you don't know how to use your resources."

When I was talking with my friend, this came out of his mouth. "Lex, you need to learn how to use your resources. You're like using a AA battery for a ferrari. The reason why you feel fustrated at yourself."

And as I was thinking. It's really true. I have never been a kid, never felt like a kid and have never whined to get my way like a kid. I keep pouring out myself to everyone and everything. But that's just a bad management of my resources. I am not superman, even though I believe and think of myself as one.

John 7:37-39
" On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; for the Holy Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified."

I believe that the spirit includes the fruits of the spirit as well. And most of all I lacked love. Not love for another. But love for myself. I judge myself stricter than I judge others. Resulting in me being very harsh and unforgiving to myself. I hold myself to my mistakes and harp on them more than others harp on it. AND, my friend wasted no time in pointing that out.

In a way, this was resulted from my upbringing. I never had a chance to be a kid. Never had a chance to just rely on my parents rather, it has been the other way around. To this day, I never remembered a time where I actually confided in my parents about my sorrows or problems. This in a way has caused me to rely on my strengths. Because I have never experince what it is like to rely on a parent, and so even though I know that My God is my Heavenly Father. I have yet to learn what's it like to be filled in his fatherly love and embrace him and be embraced by him like a kid.

So how on earth was I using my resources wisely? I kept pouring out myself in love without getting refilled by God to the point where rivers of living water was flowing. That it my sight now is plain stupidity.

I had a fun time hanging out with some friends I'm not really close with. Even though, yes it annoying because some of them keep touching my body. Guys and girls alike. I'm a little disturbed by it. However it was still great fun just to hang out with no agendas.

Throughout this outing I was talking to a guy who I can click rather well with. Him also being a good friend to one of my closest friends so I decided to share some of my issues with him as he was sharing with me his. So we began to open up to one another. As I shared with him some of my issues. He paused and said this, I can hear your pain just by you telling me.

As he said that I wonder, how is it that someone whom I am not particulary close to could hear and sense my pain. And those whom I see every week could hardly even feel it?

I wonder if the very person who caused me this much pain would even know it. Or even if this person would even feel guilty or sad about it. I guess not.
I wonder if those who have given me the heaviest burdens knows that I am in fact also drowning from the combined load of my own issues and theirs?

I think I understand now why some people turn to alcohol abuse. Sticks and stones might kill me but whiskey never does.

But more than that, I know that My God is more than enough for me.

All I need now is a beer and a nice long walk up mount faber. Mount Faber has been like my Mount Sanai since I was secondary 3. I have yet to go up there in ages, courtesy of my leg. I only go there where I am really at my wits end of things.

It's been really quite some time since I last went there. I don't care what happens to my leg. But I just want and need to head up there.

Sometimes all it takes is one. One thing to make me leave. One thing to make me stay. One thing to make me give up. One thing to make me hold on. For me I know for sure, the one thing that made me hold on this long and in a sense strong still. I know, it's not by my own might. But by the power of the Holy Spirit and God's grace.

In an interesting way, there's one application in Facebook that I added just for fun. But somehow it seems to be speaking the right words in my life right now.


On this day of your life, Lex, we believe God wants you to know ... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being. Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.


It indeed is pretty heavy with everything that's going on right now. And, NOBODY knows the full story and the entire burden I am carrying. But no matter. I'll carry on staying strong, carry on holding on.

I pray for the day where I will be somewhat restored to how I was like and even stronger. For I know that perserverance will develop character I will have an even bigger capacity for things.

Lord, I'll carry on trusting no matter what happens.

I am not frigging superman. But I can try to be. I know I can do it and I will do it. For it is when I am weak that you're the strongest. AND I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It is the pain of being a man that teaches a guy how to be a better man every single day.

I don't know if this is good or bad. But I kinda dislike myself now. I dislike myself for trying to be strong when I'm feeling weak. I dislike myself for giving so much to others. I feel disgusted at myself.

Maybe this is just negative thoughts attacking me. But I know I am doing the best of what I can do. I know I am doing the right thing even when I don't feel like it. It's the same as the past, only with the exception that my emotions are so much clearer to myself than ever before.

Lord, give me more wisdom, grace and mercy so that I'll know how to handle all these thoughts, emotions and convictions.

Right now, I'm standing guard by Geraldine at CGH. It really does feel like I'm a Dad watching over his daughter.

I wonder IF I have to go through another trial or situation at the hospital where I have to stay. Who will be there? Will I have to go through another heartache where those that I expected will not be there. Or those I no longer want to be. Only time will tell. For there might be a chance where I might have to go again.

If this the mark of a minstry. I hope not. It's enough pain. I rather limp and lean on God for the rest of my life than to go through another of this.

Let's hope not. Keeping my fingers crossed and my faith up high.