Great word in season. The first time I went for service after the Op, and the word was like hitting me left right center. It's like every single point, every single example, every single word is targetted at me. God indeed works in miraculous ways.

Elijah was a great man of God. He had fought against the 450 prophets of baal, went against the then king Ahab. He had courage, confidence and faith. However even a man like this would fall victim to depression. He was worned out by the situation around him. The trauma that was inflicted on him. Most of all he felt forgotten and under-appreciated.

In a way, that is my plight. I used to be so independent, full of confidence and courage that I'll be able to handle anything that comes my way. Faith wise, I considered myself doing pretty well. However all that changed since entering NS and most of all sustaining the injury leading to my operation.

I was worned out by the situation at home. I was traumatised by my injury and under-appreciated and forgotten by my family and some of my friends who take it for granted that I'd always be strong for their sake. I guess I felt weak.

There were times where I cried out to God for deliverance. Especially from the thoughts that were haunting me. Many a times all I heard was "My grace is sufficient, it's more than enough" In the past before this whole thing started I've been through times when I cried out to God and heard the same thing or even just a word to look at the lives of Job and Samson. I felt like God didn't really answer me. It was only till today's word that I realised what God was actually trying to teach me and for me to experince it first hand was an experince I would never give up for anything in the world. Indeed His grace is sufficient.

2 cor 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Even now at times I feel under-appreciated, forgotten and taken for granted. But I know My God is above all and that under the different factors affecting me making me feeling weak His grace is indeed sufficient for me.

Through this injury I've felt weakned and defeated. But I've learnt how to really lean more on God and His grace indeed pulls me through. Even though people might have failed me or dissapointed me, Yes I am just that I don't show it, God never does. His grace and mercy will always follow those who really love Him

Food for thought.

We shouldn't expect from others what others can't expect from us. But what if others always have expected that much from you?

That being said, I don't think it's wrong for me to expect more from others. I might have been giving way too much and expecting too little in return. For now, I guess I really need some people by my side, especially you.

As I was mediating on the word. God reminded me of Jacob and how he's life turn out to be. In this sitution I'm really like Jacob. I had struggled with man and God for far too long. Wrestling with my own desires and my own agendas. Even though on the surface many would say I am dedicated to God. But God looks much deeper. Somehow the little part of me that refuses to yield and rely on God and others. Always trusting in my own strenght. In a way, wrestled with God and man for far too long. In the life story of Jacob there was once he wrestled with God and God told him in
Genesis 32:28b
because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.

In a way, I have done that throughout my life. But the main thing here was that after which he limped for the rest of his life. Leaning heavily on God. I guess this is the major lesson to learn this time around. Why should I continue struggling? Where I can just start to rely and lean more on God. At the same time stop pushing people away and preventing them from getting too close with me.

Somehow I really miss running around. The ability to move as I wished. The freedom to go wherever, whenever. This restrictions of food, movement and even going to toilet.

I HATE IT.

But, God is over all. The hardest thing at times is to yield after all. To yield that all this is within his plan. That this period is a moulding phase once again. To learn how to lean and rely more on God and the people around me and also, perharps to build more strength and courage.

Would you believe for now, all that I want is to be able to walk.

It would have helped if you were here for me. Or just hear your voice and I don't mean God.

Well, 2nd day out of op. I guess my op is a success. I hope. For now have to deal with the 8 cm long wound on my leg, plus the pain of having 8 cm of patella tendon cut out to replace my ligament which was done by drilling a hole through my tibia in 2 places. Besides having pain and the occasional wound splitting experience. I'm fine. At least physically. Am hoping that I'll be able to walk normally by this week. Would love to go for service this coming week.

Now as I'm thinking bout the events of late. I feel like I've been rather manipulative and ruling by fear. Just by not using my logic as much as I should have, I have been really domineering and pressurizing.

Can't say much but I realized that my anger was unexplainable even though it was not projected to anybody. It scares me to think of ways to resolve the issue in such a way that will manipulate you to feel what I am feeling and for you to see the whole issue while doing things that will have the feeling of an demon lord. The kind that you won't dare to say anything else but what I want to hear and to scare the hell out of you.

But I can't deny the feelings. But I can control my reactions to it.

Courage, is the strength to never give up. To hold on when everything is against you.
Faith is to smile when everything is against you. Yet smiling to say, God is good.

I won't lead a live of regrets. Emotions are a tell tale sign for emotional well being. BUT it is not the basis of how you would react. Be a master of your emotions and not the other way around. Accept them. But don't act on them.