Ok this is a random post after being away from blogging for soooooo lloooooonnnnnnggggggg!

I feel that it is easier on me. If I was hurt rather than me hurting others.

Cos, in a way I can deal with myself. I can change the situation. But wheras the other way around I have no control.

So, that's that.


There are times because of this mindset I feel like why do I have to live a tamed down life. Especially when I know more character is more like a predator. Silent but uncontrollable. I'm born wild, I love nature, I enjoy working and sweating it out for what I believe is mine, I know and I believe that if left in the wild, I'll survive perfectly fine.

In real life, I had to tame myself down. Be hyper around people. Be less serious and firm. I had to just accept the fact that sometimes I just have to submit.

And there came this thought, if I did not live my life as such how would I have lived my life.
I guess, I would be having fun partying, going insane in sports, indulging in all the wrong things in the world. A moment of regret almost came over me. Till I recognise the source of all these from the carnal nature and of the devil.

So tonight, THIS is my prayer and cry from my heart.

No more running wild, I'm YOURS for LIFE.
YOU got me here, YOU GOT ME.

So here's to my Father, my God.

Sometimes I really wonder why do you care and do so much. When there's nothing I can offer in return. For your sake and mine. Please stop. I hate to disappoint. Nothing can and will happen. I'm flattered but no. Not gonna happen. Not now.

I want things to be the way it was. Period. Everything, before all the pain, all the loss.

Sometimes I feel God likes to play practical jokes on me. Just when I thought everything was ok. Just when I thought I could forget already. He has to let something remind me of what used to be.

This is painful.

You know, I'm sick of you playing the eldest son, eldest grandson card. I've been living my life not like it's has been my life. I'm SICK of it.

Stop blaming or pushing all the blame and responsibility for everything onto me. I'm the eldest son not the sole scapegoat. I'm not my father. Why do I HAVE to play the role of a son and take on the responsibilities of a father?

Instead of telling me to compromise and compromise. Tell them to grow up. I've given my all, done my best and I have no regrets at all. Because I HAVE DONE THINGS AND MADE A DIFFERENCE.

They are no longer kids, they should be able to take care of themselves, take charge and responsibilities of their own. They should learn how to respect others especially when they want things to be done for them in THEIR WAY.

If they have no foresight, do not ask me to compromise for their lack of foresight. I'm sorry, but I always plan in advance. I do things for a reason for a purpose and gauge things for the future.

I'm sick of always giving in. Always being the one who held everything up. Always being the one who did things out of responsibilities and my love to you as my mother. But, you do know that I'm not your only Child and I'm your child NOT your PILLAR. You have a husband, 2 sons and 2 daugthers. Why is it all the shit falls on me?

If this keeps up. It'll not be just 25 when I leave home. It'll be much earlier. There's not a single day of peace at home for me. Not a single day of rest as long as I stay in this house.

To the rest of my sane siblings. Seriously grow up. I've yet to flare up at you people nor have I flared up at mum. But I really do think this is really unfair to me. I have my own life to lead. Own hobbies, entertainment, style and way of organising my things. DO NOT expect me to live like how you have lived. If I have do you think we can have our live as such? Do you think I am able to survive outside?

Stop asking me to compromise and to suck it up just because I'm the eldest son. You are no longer kids.

Tell me, tell me simply. WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL, DO OR THINK.

New year resolution

For the new year, without a good general sense of direction one cannot hope to progress far in life. So here I am setting my new year resolution. After all, many things have happened and many things are happening. BUT most of all, I am looking forward to the things that will and can be happening.

1) Read more. (1 novel, 1 leadership/spiritual book)
2) Read the bible more (1 book of the bible each week)
3) Pray more (not gonna just pray in quiet time, but gonna make prayer a lifestyle for me, in and for everything I do I'm gonna pray)
4) No more injuries for the rest of the year
5) For my business, I'm not gonna just doing planning and meet ups but actually registering and starting on it. Gonna learn the ropes of business management, accounting and marketing.
6) Learn and start on forex
7) Finish my SATs
8) Get class 2b and 3
9) Jog and gym at least twice a week.
10) Have one business/career related appointment everyweek.
11) save 3k.
12) Spend more time with my connect group members. At least one meal with one of them a week.
13) Start planning my schedules instead of a weekly basis on a monthly basis.
14) A deed that benefits me none but makes another person's day.
15)engage in an artistic pursuit every week. Be it painting, writing, photography and even crafting.

So with these 15 goals in mind. I'm gonna start the year and hopefully end with all 15 accomplished!

closing the chapter.

In 2010 many things have happened to me. Many things that have affected me badly and possibly permanently have happened. But then again many GOOD things have happened too.



Before I embark on starting on my new year resolution. I think I should close the book by listing all the things I should and can be thankful for in 2010.



I thank God for 2 wonderful brothers. Basil Chai and Vincent Oh.

I thank God for 3 wonderful sisters to me. Nancy, Ho Ching Ee, Karen Choong

I thank God cliques that I feel one word sums it all up. AWESOME!

I thank God for a wonderful Genting trip. In which I got closer to a friend. Yip Pei Yi

I thank God for friends who care.

I thank God for timely breaks.

I thank God even though I had so much pride, He didn't let me fall.

I thank God for His grace and Mercy.

I thank God that there were many lessons taught through the hard way.

I thank God for many open doors for career and success in the future.

I thank God for little finacial blessings here and there.

I thank God for people who were understanding

I thank God for friends who were encouraging me and spuring me on even though I felt like giving up at times.

I thank God for friends who even when I showed them sides that no one could imagine me having still stood by me never wavering in their commitment to me.

I thank God for friends who really stood by me when I was so down and whining at every little bad thing that happened. (yes, I do whine and complain)

I thank God for friends who were so patient with me when I ask them for advice yet, I did the opposite. BUT never stopped listening to me and giving me the same advices.

I thank God for friends who really cared and treasured the friendship they had with me even though I was an asshole to them at times.



And most of all, I thank God for you.

All of you who have been a part of my life. Without each and everyone of your input in my life be it big or small I can NEVER be who I am today.

To those who I have not mentioned I do thank God for you. But forgive me for leaving you out. Because I'm typing this half asleep.



So with that, I'm closing the entire book of 2010. Erasing, forgiving and forgetting all the bad things that might have happened in it. And from now on, leaning more on God each day for a brand new and a much better 2011 ahead!

Hopes creates expectancy. Expectancy causes disappointments.

But faith brings hope. Faith brings life.

Life is not complete unless there is sadness and joy.

That in itself I believe is what it means to live a full life.

A life that is filled with emotions and life changing experinces.
And right now, I wish for my life to be entirely full and complete.
Let the floodgates of heaven flood my heart with joy.
Let my expectations and desires to come to past.

In this year there are many things that have happened to me. Many things were too hard for me to bear on my own. Many things allowed me to know myself even more. I felt overwhelmed by the happenings and the events of this entire year. The doors that were opened to me somehow seems to bring me joy and burdens at the same time. It gave me unnecessary stress about work, losing the passion I once had for certain things.

I've injured my leg which caused me physical, mental, emotional and possibly spiritual pain. If I didn't injure my leg alot of bad things wouldn't have happened.

And so, with all these thought in my mind I went for my Genting trip with Basil, Ching Ee and Pei Yi.

Throughout this entire trip I felt the grace that God has placed in my life. I know for sure, if it's based on my own strengths and abilities I wouldn't have made it this far with everything on my mind. I thank God, for strength, for wonderful friends, for timely breaks and finacial blessings.

Let's start with the beginning of the trip. We booked for an economy class coach, we got a PREMIUM CLASS COACH complete with movies and games to entertain us. My mum gave me extra like 100RM for no apparent reason. Basil changed an extra 150 SGD for me. Talk about finacial blessing for a timely break!

During this entire trip I felt I've grown closer to Pei Yi. Someone whom I never thought I could and would feel close to. I also thank God for Basil my best friend and Ching Ee one of my closest friend. We had a lot of fun despite the screw ups in our plans on day 1 and 2.

As the trip came to an end I started to reflect on this entire year. I thank God, really for his grace and mercy. I thank God, for giving me wonderful friends; friends who stick with me through thick and thin, friends who despite my weakness and flaws constantly cheering me up, friends who bothers to see through and get through the layers to know who I really am. I thank God that despite my pride He didn't let me fall, He still gave me a reason to hold on, a reason to stay, a reason to keep on fighting this fight of faith.

That everytime things seems too bad for me to handle, He allows certain breaks in between for me to rest and break away and off from all my issues.

And that, despite all these happenings, I have still been blessed with good opportunities for my future, finacial blessings and wonderful friends.

True enough that bad things have happen. But, bad things do happen to good people. What matters is that we make the bad things become an asset to us in the future.

God is good!

This is my favourite picture from the genting trip!

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm handin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm handing on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Watched hello stranger today PRETTY AWESOME SHIT!

But at the same time stiring the same emotions in me that I once tried to held back.

Well, this is part of the movie if I didn't remember wrongly.

"she once told me that this feelings could be just imagined. but if it is so I don't think that it will last this long."

and this is what the male lead said when the girl asked how could he love her when he don't even know her name.

" True, I don't know you. But I did fall for a girl who can drink a litre of pepsi, who always falls asleep on my motorbike, who does a crazy back flip when she's drunk. Is that girl you?"

well, and for me. I guess it is so.

Something that I want to just type out.

You don't have to try to be pretty or act pretty. Cos to me you're plenty pretty.

I don't need a girl who is drop dead gorgeous. I don't need one who knows and understand everything I do. I don't need one who is super hot.

In fact a the time I just want you.

I may be unable to voice things out. BUT! I feel that I can take on the entire world so long you are by my side with me.

It's hard. But I still believe it's the best for me.

What I've said before months ago is repeated by Pst Phil today. Care is active. I miss the good ol days. The scrap books that were given to me. I dunno if I should cherish them as I am doing now.

With things at home I wished that you people were there. Not to help. But just be there.

I'm stressed out. But I won't show.

It's friggin hard. But, I will not show anything. Just gonna keep on believing everything will turn out fine.

Faith is not the abscence of negativity. But the belief that God has better things in store.

Many things have happened. Many things will happen. But, I'll carry on hoping for the best in everything. I will not forget the promises God have made to me. I will not forsake the vision given to me. I will carry on believing and doing the best I can. It's not just about the physical actions but attitudes and spiritual actions in faith that shows I have yet given up hope.

I will carry on hoping. My God will bring me through this shit.

Have
Only
Positive
Thoughts

Holding
Onto
Prayer
Everyday.


Use me as you will. Lead me through. Teach me how to rely, how to lean on you.

I was talking on the phone with a close friend of mine. It really ironic how my own words comes back to bite me. This was what I said on Facebook " I don't like it when people complain or whine and I can't tell them that in fact the reason for your problems is your own poor management of your resources. In fact all problems comes because you don't know how to use your resources."

When I was talking with my friend, this came out of his mouth. "Lex, you need to learn how to use your resources. You're like using a AA battery for a ferrari. The reason why you feel fustrated at yourself."

And as I was thinking. It's really true. I have never been a kid, never felt like a kid and have never whined to get my way like a kid. I keep pouring out myself to everyone and everything. But that's just a bad management of my resources. I am not superman, even though I believe and think of myself as one.

John 7:37-39
" On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; for the Holy Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified."

I believe that the spirit includes the fruits of the spirit as well. And most of all I lacked love. Not love for another. But love for myself. I judge myself stricter than I judge others. Resulting in me being very harsh and unforgiving to myself. I hold myself to my mistakes and harp on them more than others harp on it. AND, my friend wasted no time in pointing that out.

In a way, this was resulted from my upbringing. I never had a chance to be a kid. Never had a chance to just rely on my parents rather, it has been the other way around. To this day, I never remembered a time where I actually confided in my parents about my sorrows or problems. This in a way has caused me to rely on my strengths. Because I have never experince what it is like to rely on a parent, and so even though I know that My God is my Heavenly Father. I have yet to learn what's it like to be filled in his fatherly love and embrace him and be embraced by him like a kid.

So how on earth was I using my resources wisely? I kept pouring out myself in love without getting refilled by God to the point where rivers of living water was flowing. That it my sight now is plain stupidity.

I had a fun time hanging out with some friends I'm not really close with. Even though, yes it annoying because some of them keep touching my body. Guys and girls alike. I'm a little disturbed by it. However it was still great fun just to hang out with no agendas.

Throughout this outing I was talking to a guy who I can click rather well with. Him also being a good friend to one of my closest friends so I decided to share some of my issues with him as he was sharing with me his. So we began to open up to one another. As I shared with him some of my issues. He paused and said this, I can hear your pain just by you telling me.

As he said that I wonder, how is it that someone whom I am not particulary close to could hear and sense my pain. And those whom I see every week could hardly even feel it?

I wonder if the very person who caused me this much pain would even know it. Or even if this person would even feel guilty or sad about it. I guess not.
I wonder if those who have given me the heaviest burdens knows that I am in fact also drowning from the combined load of my own issues and theirs?

I think I understand now why some people turn to alcohol abuse. Sticks and stones might kill me but whiskey never does.

But more than that, I know that My God is more than enough for me.

All I need now is a beer and a nice long walk up mount faber. Mount Faber has been like my Mount Sanai since I was secondary 3. I have yet to go up there in ages, courtesy of my leg. I only go there where I am really at my wits end of things.

It's been really quite some time since I last went there. I don't care what happens to my leg. But I just want and need to head up there.

Sometimes all it takes is one. One thing to make me leave. One thing to make me stay. One thing to make me give up. One thing to make me hold on. For me I know for sure, the one thing that made me hold on this long and in a sense strong still. I know, it's not by my own might. But by the power of the Holy Spirit and God's grace.

In an interesting way, there's one application in Facebook that I added just for fun. But somehow it seems to be speaking the right words in my life right now.


On this day of your life, Lex, we believe God wants you to know ... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being. Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.


It indeed is pretty heavy with everything that's going on right now. And, NOBODY knows the full story and the entire burden I am carrying. But no matter. I'll carry on staying strong, carry on holding on.

I pray for the day where I will be somewhat restored to how I was like and even stronger. For I know that perserverance will develop character I will have an even bigger capacity for things.

Lord, I'll carry on trusting no matter what happens.

I am not frigging superman. But I can try to be. I know I can do it and I will do it. For it is when I am weak that you're the strongest. AND I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It is the pain of being a man that teaches a guy how to be a better man every single day.

I don't know if this is good or bad. But I kinda dislike myself now. I dislike myself for trying to be strong when I'm feeling weak. I dislike myself for giving so much to others. I feel disgusted at myself.

Maybe this is just negative thoughts attacking me. But I know I am doing the best of what I can do. I know I am doing the right thing even when I don't feel like it. It's the same as the past, only with the exception that my emotions are so much clearer to myself than ever before.

Lord, give me more wisdom, grace and mercy so that I'll know how to handle all these thoughts, emotions and convictions.