Ok this is a random post after being away from blogging for soooooo lloooooonnnnnnggggggg!

I feel that it is easier on me. If I was hurt rather than me hurting others.

Cos, in a way I can deal with myself. I can change the situation. But wheras the other way around I have no control.

So, that's that.


There are times because of this mindset I feel like why do I have to live a tamed down life. Especially when I know more character is more like a predator. Silent but uncontrollable. I'm born wild, I love nature, I enjoy working and sweating it out for what I believe is mine, I know and I believe that if left in the wild, I'll survive perfectly fine.

In real life, I had to tame myself down. Be hyper around people. Be less serious and firm. I had to just accept the fact that sometimes I just have to submit.

And there came this thought, if I did not live my life as such how would I have lived my life.
I guess, I would be having fun partying, going insane in sports, indulging in all the wrong things in the world. A moment of regret almost came over me. Till I recognise the source of all these from the carnal nature and of the devil.

So tonight, THIS is my prayer and cry from my heart.

No more running wild, I'm YOURS for LIFE.
YOU got me here, YOU GOT ME.

So here's to my Father, my God.

Sometimes I really wonder why do you care and do so much. When there's nothing I can offer in return. For your sake and mine. Please stop. I hate to disappoint. Nothing can and will happen. I'm flattered but no. Not gonna happen. Not now.

I want things to be the way it was. Period. Everything, before all the pain, all the loss.

Sometimes I feel God likes to play practical jokes on me. Just when I thought everything was ok. Just when I thought I could forget already. He has to let something remind me of what used to be.

This is painful.

You know, I'm sick of you playing the eldest son, eldest grandson card. I've been living my life not like it's has been my life. I'm SICK of it.

Stop blaming or pushing all the blame and responsibility for everything onto me. I'm the eldest son not the sole scapegoat. I'm not my father. Why do I HAVE to play the role of a son and take on the responsibilities of a father?

Instead of telling me to compromise and compromise. Tell them to grow up. I've given my all, done my best and I have no regrets at all. Because I HAVE DONE THINGS AND MADE A DIFFERENCE.

They are no longer kids, they should be able to take care of themselves, take charge and responsibilities of their own. They should learn how to respect others especially when they want things to be done for them in THEIR WAY.

If they have no foresight, do not ask me to compromise for their lack of foresight. I'm sorry, but I always plan in advance. I do things for a reason for a purpose and gauge things for the future.

I'm sick of always giving in. Always being the one who held everything up. Always being the one who did things out of responsibilities and my love to you as my mother. But, you do know that I'm not your only Child and I'm your child NOT your PILLAR. You have a husband, 2 sons and 2 daugthers. Why is it all the shit falls on me?

If this keeps up. It'll not be just 25 when I leave home. It'll be much earlier. There's not a single day of peace at home for me. Not a single day of rest as long as I stay in this house.

To the rest of my sane siblings. Seriously grow up. I've yet to flare up at you people nor have I flared up at mum. But I really do think this is really unfair to me. I have my own life to lead. Own hobbies, entertainment, style and way of organising my things. DO NOT expect me to live like how you have lived. If I have do you think we can have our live as such? Do you think I am able to survive outside?

Stop asking me to compromise and to suck it up just because I'm the eldest son. You are no longer kids.

Tell me, tell me simply. WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL, DO OR THINK.

New year resolution

For the new year, without a good general sense of direction one cannot hope to progress far in life. So here I am setting my new year resolution. After all, many things have happened and many things are happening. BUT most of all, I am looking forward to the things that will and can be happening.

1) Read more. (1 novel, 1 leadership/spiritual book)
2) Read the bible more (1 book of the bible each week)
3) Pray more (not gonna just pray in quiet time, but gonna make prayer a lifestyle for me, in and for everything I do I'm gonna pray)
4) No more injuries for the rest of the year
5) For my business, I'm not gonna just doing planning and meet ups but actually registering and starting on it. Gonna learn the ropes of business management, accounting and marketing.
6) Learn and start on forex
7) Finish my SATs
8) Get class 2b and 3
9) Jog and gym at least twice a week.
10) Have one business/career related appointment everyweek.
11) save 3k.
12) Spend more time with my connect group members. At least one meal with one of them a week.
13) Start planning my schedules instead of a weekly basis on a monthly basis.
14) A deed that benefits me none but makes another person's day.
15)engage in an artistic pursuit every week. Be it painting, writing, photography and even crafting.

So with these 15 goals in mind. I'm gonna start the year and hopefully end with all 15 accomplished!