neverwillbe

2011-05-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ok this is a random post after being away from blogging for soooooo lloooooonnnnnnggggggg!

I feel that it is easier on me. If I was hurt rather than me hurting others.

Cos, in a way I can deal with myself. I can change the situation. But wheras the other way around I have no control.

So, that's that.

There are times because of this mindset I feel like why do I have to live a tamed down life. Especially when I know more character is more like a predator. Silent but uncontrollable. I'm born wild, I love nature, I enjoy working and sweating it out for what I believe is mine, I know and I believe that if left in the wild, I'll survive perfectly fine.

In real life, I had to tame myself down. Be hyper around people. Be less serious and firm. I had to just accept the fact that sometimes I just have to submit.

And there came this thought, if I did not live my life as such how would I have lived my life.
I guess, I would be having fun partying, going insane in sports, indulging in all the wrong things in the world. A moment of regret almost came over me. Till I recognise the source of all these from the carnal nature and of the devil.

So tonight, THIS is my prayer and cry from my heart.

No more running wild, I'm YOURS for LIFE.
YOU got me here, YOU GOT ME.

So here's to my Father, my God.

2011-02-21T05:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really wonder why do you care and do so much. When there's nothing I can offer in return. For your sake and mine. Please stop. I hate to disappoint. Nothing can and will happen. I'm flattered but no. Not gonna happen. Not now.

2011-02-06T13:59:00.001-08:00

I want things to be the way it was. Period. Everything, before all the pain, all the loss.

2011-02-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel God likes to play practical jokes on me. Just when I thought everything was ok. Just when I thought I could forget already. He has to let something remind me of what used to be.

This is painful.

2011-02-02T05:12:00.000-08:00

You know, I'm sick of you playing the eldest son, eldest grandson card. I've been living my life not like it's has been my life. I'm SICK of it.

Stop blaming or pushing all the blame and responsibility for everything onto me. I'm the eldest son not the sole scapegoat. I'm not my father. Why do I HAVE to play the role of a son and take on the responsibilities of a father?

Instead of telling me to compromise and compromise. Tell them to grow up. I've given my all, done my best and I have no regrets at all. Because I HAVE DONE THINGS AND MADE A DIFFERENCE.

They are no longer kids, they should be able to take care of themselves, take charge and responsibilities of their own. They should learn how to respect others especially when they want things to be done for them in THEIR WAY.

If they have no foresight, do not ask me to compromise for their lack of foresight. I'm sorry, but I always plan in advance. I do things for a reason for a purpose and gauge things for the future.

I'm sick of always giving in. Always being the one who held everything up. Always being the one who did things out of responsibilities and my love to you as my mother. But, you do know that I'm not your only Child and I'm your child NOT your PILLAR. You have a husband, 2 sons and 2 daugthers. Why is it all the shit falls on me?

If this keeps up. It'll not be just 25 when I leave home. It'll be much earlier. There's not a single day of peace at home for me. Not a single day of rest as long as I stay in this house.

To the rest of my sane siblings. Seriously grow up. I've yet to flare up at you people nor have I flared up at mum. But I really do think this is really unfair to me. I have my own life to lead. Own hobbies, entertainment, style and way of organising my things. DO NOT expect me to live like how you have lived. If I have do you think we can have our live as such? Do you think I am able to survive outside?

Stop asking me to compromise and to suck it up just because I'm the eldest son. You are no longer kids.

2011-01-17T15:52:00.001-08:00

Tell me, tell me simply. WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL, DO OR THINK.

New year resolution

2011-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

For the new year, without a good general sense of direction one cannot hope to progress far in life. So here I am setting my new year resolution. After all, many things have happened and many things are happening. BUT most of all, I am looking forward to the things that will and can be happening.

1) Read more. (1 novel, 1 leadership/spiritual book)
2) Read the bible more (1 book of the bible each week)
3) Pray more (not gonna just pray in quiet time, but gonna make prayer a lifestyle for me, in and for everything I do I'm gonna pray)
4) No more injuries for the rest of the year
5) For my business, I'm not gonna just doing planning and meet ups but actually registering and starting on it. Gonna learn the ropes of business management, accounting and marketing.
6) Learn and start on forex
7) Finish my SATs
8) Get class 2b and 3
9) Jog and gym at least twice a week.
10) Have one business/career related appointment everyweek.
11) save 3k.
12) Spend more time with my connect group members. At least one meal with one of them a week.
13) Start planning my schedules instead of a weekly basis on a monthly basis.
14) A deed that benefits me none but makes another person's day.
15)engage in an artistic pursuit every week. Be it painting, writing, photography and even crafting.

So with these 15 goals in mind. I'm gonna start the year and hopefully end with all 15 accomplished!

closing the chapter.

2011-01-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

In 2010 many things have happened to me. Many things that have affected me badly and possibly permanently have happened. But then again many GOOD things have happened too.

Before I embark on starting on my new year resolution. I think I should close the book by listing all the things I should and can be thankful for in 2010.

I thank God for 2 wonderful brothers. Basil Chai and Vincent Oh.

I thank God for 3 wonderful sisters to me. Nancy, Ho Ching Ee, Karen Choong

I thank God cliques that I feel one word sums it all up. AWESOME!

I thank God for a wonderful Genting trip. In which I got closer to a friend. Yip Pei Yi

I thank God for friends who care.

I thank God for timely breaks.

I thank God even though I had so much pride, He didn't let me fall.

I thank God for His grace and Mercy.

I thank God that there were many lessons taught through the hard way.

I thank God for many open doors for career and success in the future.

I thank God for little finacial blessings here and there.

I thank God for people who were understanding

I thank God for friends who were encouraging me and spuring me on even though I felt like giving up at times.

I thank God for friends who even when I showed them sides that no one could imagine me having still stood by me never wavering in their commitment to me.

I thank God for friends who really stood by me when I was so down and whining at every little bad thing that happened. (yes, I do whine and complain)

I thank God for friends who were so patient with me when I ask them for advice yet, I did the opposite. BUT never stopped listening to me and giving me the same advices.

I thank God for friends who really cared and treasured the friendship they had with me even though I was an asshole to them at times.

And most of all, I thank God for you.

All of you who have been a part of my life. Without each and everyone of your input in my life be it big or small I can NEVER be who I am today.

To those who I have not mentioned I do thank God for you. But forgive me for leaving you out. Because I'm typing this half asleep.

So with that, I'm closing the entire book of 2010. Erasing, forgiving and forgetting all the bad things that might have happened in it. And from now on, leaning more on God each day for a brand new and a much better 2011 ahead!

2011-01-04T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hopes creates expectancy. Expectancy causes disappointments.

But faith brings hope. Faith brings life.

Life is not complete unless there is sadness and joy.

That in itself I believe is what it means to live a full life.

A life that is filled with emotions and life changing experinces.
And right now, I wish for my life to be entirely full and complete.
Let the floodgates of heaven flood my heart with joy.
Let my expectations and desires to come to past.

2010-12-30T10:23:00.001-08:00

In this year there are many things that have happened to me. Many things were too hard for me to bear on my own. Many things allowed me to know myself even more. I felt overwhelmed by the happenings and the events of this entire year. The doors that were opened to me somehow seems to bring me joy and burdens at the same time. It gave me unnecessary stress about work, losing the passion I once had for certain things.

I've injured my leg which caused me physical, mental, emotional and possibly spiritual pain. If I didn't injure my leg alot of bad things wouldn't have happened.

And so, with all these thought in my mind I went for my Genting trip with Basil, Ching Ee and Pei Yi.

Throughout this entire trip I felt the grace that God has placed in my life. I know for sure, if it's based on my own strengths and abilities I wouldn't have made it this far with everything on my mind. I thank God, for strength, for wonderful friends, for timely breaks and finacial blessings.

Let's start with the beginning of the trip. We booked for an economy class coach, we got a PREMIUM CLASS COACH complete with movies and games to entertain us. My mum gave me extra like 100RM for no apparent reason. Basil changed an extra 150 SGD for me. Talk about finacial blessing for a timely break!

During this entire trip I felt I've grown closer to Pei Yi. Someone whom I never thought I could and would feel close to. I also thank God for Basil my best friend and Ching Ee one of my closest friend. We had a lot of fun despite the screw ups in our plans on day 1 and 2.

As the trip came to an end I started to reflect on this entire year. I thank God, really for his grace and mercy. I thank God, for giving me wonderful friends; friends who stick with me through thick and thin, friends who despite my weakness and flaws constantly cheering me up, friends who bothers to see through and get through the layers to know who I really am. I thank God that despite my pride He didn't let me fall, He still gave me a reason to hold on, a reason to stay, a reason to keep on fighting this fight of faith.

That everytime things seems too bad for me to handle, He allows certain breaks in between for me to rest and break away and off from all my issues.

And that, despite all these happenings, I have still been blessed with good opportunities for my future, finacial blessings and wonderful friends.

True enough that bad things have happen. But, bad things do happen to good people. What matters is that we make the bad things become an asset to us in the future.

God is good!

This is my favourite picture from the genting trip!

2010-12-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm handin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm handing on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

2010-12-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

Watched hello stranger today PRETTY AWESOME SHIT!

But at the same time stiring the same emotions in me that I once tried to held back.

Well, this is part of the movie if I didn't remember wrongly.

"she once told me that this feelings could be just imagined. but if it is so I don't think that it will last this long."

and this is what the male lead said when the girl asked how could he love her when he don't even know her name.

" True, I don't know you. But I did fall for a girl who can drink a litre of pepsi, who always falls asleep on my motorbike, who does a crazy back flip when she's drunk. Is that girl you?"

well, and for me. I guess it is so.

Something that I want to just type out.

You don't have to try to be pretty or act pretty. Cos to me you're plenty pretty.

2010-12-14T04:42:00.000-08:00

I don't need a girl who is drop dead gorgeous. I don't need one who knows and understand everything I do. I don't need one who is super hot.

In fact a the time I just want you.

I may be unable to voice things out. BUT! I feel that I can take on the entire world so long you are by my side with me.

2010-11-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

It's hard. But I still believe it's the best for me.

What I've said before months ago is repeated by Pst Phil today. Care is active. I miss the good ol days. The scrap books that were given to me. I dunno if I should cherish them as I am doing now.

With things at home I wished that you people were there. Not to help. But just be there.

I'm stressed out. But I won't show.

It's friggin hard. But, I will not show anything. Just gonna keep on believing everything will turn out fine.

Faith is not the abscence of negativity. But the belief that God has better things in store.

2010-10-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

Many things have happened. Many things will happen. But, I'll carry on hoping for the best in everything. I will not forget the promises God have made to me. I will not forsake the vision given to me. I will carry on believing and doing the best I can. It's not just about the physical actions but attitudes and spiritual actions in faith that shows I have yet given up hope.

I will carry on hoping. My God will bring me through this shit.

Have
Only
Positive
Thoughts

Holding
Onto
Prayer
Everyday.

Use me as you will. Lead me through. Teach me how to rely, how to lean on you.

2010-10-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

I was talking on the phone with a close friend of mine. It really ironic how my own words comes back to bite me. This was what I said on Facebook " I don't like it when people complain or whine and I can't tell them that in fact the reason for your problems is your own poor management of your resources. In fact all problems comes because you don't know how to use your resources."

When I was talking with my friend, this came out of his mouth. "Lex, you need to learn how to use your resources. You're like using a AA battery for a ferrari. The reason why you feel fustrated at yourself."

And as I was thinking. It's really true. I have never been a kid, never felt like a kid and have never whined to get my way like a kid. I keep pouring out myself to everyone and everything. But that's just a bad management of my resources. I am not superman, even though I believe and think of myself as one.

John 7:37-39
" On the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive; for the Holy Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified."

I believe that the spirit includes the fruits of the spirit as well. And most of all I lacked love. Not love for another. But love for myself. I judge myself stricter than I judge others. Resulting in me being very harsh and unforgiving to myself. I hold myself to my mistakes and harp on them more than others harp on it. AND, my friend wasted no time in pointing that out.

In a way, this was resulted from my upbringing. I never had a chance to be a kid. Never had a chance to just rely on my parents rather, it has been the other way around. To this day, I never remembered a time where I actually confided in my parents about my sorrows or problems. This in a way has caused me to rely on my strengths. Because I have never experince what it is like to rely on a parent, and so even though I know that My God is my Heavenly Father. I have yet to learn what's it like to be filled in his fatherly love and embrace him and be embraced by him like a kid.

So how on earth was I using my resources wisely? I kept pouring out myself in love without getting refilled by God to the point where rivers of living water was flowing. That it my sight now is plain stupidity.

2010-10-21T08:42:00.001-07:00

I had a fun time hanging out with some friends I'm not really close with. Even though, yes it annoying because some of them keep touching my body. Guys and girls alike. I'm a little disturbed by it. However it was still great fun just to hang out with no agendas.

Throughout this outing I was talking to a guy who I can click rather well with. Him also being a good friend to one of my closest friends so I decided to share some of my issues with him as he was sharing with me his. So we began to open up to one another. As I shared with him some of my issues. He paused and said this, I can hear your pain just by you telling me.

As he said that I wonder, how is it that someone whom I am not particulary close to could hear and sense my pain. And those whom I see every week could hardly even feel it?

I wonder if the very person who caused me this much pain would even know it. Or even if this person would even feel guilty or sad about it. I guess not.
I wonder if those who have given me the heaviest burdens knows that I am in fact also drowning from the combined load of my own issues and theirs?

I think I understand now why some people turn to alcohol abuse. Sticks and stones might kill me but whiskey never does.

But more than that, I know that My God is more than enough for me.

2010-10-20T10:33:00.001-07:00

All I need now is a beer and a nice long walk up mount faber. Mount Faber has been like my Mount Sanai since I was secondary 3. I have yet to go up there in ages, courtesy of my leg. I only go there where I am really at my wits end of things.

It's been really quite some time since I last went there. I don't care what happens to my leg. But I just want and need to head up there.

Sometimes all it takes is one. One thing to make me leave. One thing to make me stay. One thing to make me give up. One thing to make me hold on. For me I know for sure, the one thing that made me hold on this long and in a sense strong still. I know, it's not by my own might. But by the power of the Holy Spirit and God's grace.

In an interesting way, there's one application in Facebook that I added just for fun. But somehow it seems to be speaking the right words in my life right now.

On this day of your life, Lex, we believe God wants you to know ... that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being. Give some of that weight where it belongs, - to God, and have faith that what happens is for the best, whether you understand it or not.

It indeed is pretty heavy with everything that's going on right now. And, NOBODY knows the full story and the entire burden I am carrying. But no matter. I'll carry on staying strong, carry on holding on.

I pray for the day where I will be somewhat restored to how I was like and even stronger. For I know that perserverance will develop character I will have an even bigger capacity for things.

Lord, I'll carry on trusting no matter what happens.

2010-10-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

I am not frigging superman. But I can try to be. I know I can do it and I will do it. For it is when I am weak that you're the strongest. AND I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It is the pain of being a man that teaches a guy how to be a better man every single day.

2010-10-18T08:18:00.001-07:00

I don't know if this is good or bad. But I kinda dislike myself now. I dislike myself for trying to be strong when I'm feeling weak. I dislike myself for giving so much to others. I feel disgusted at myself.

Maybe this is just negative thoughts attacking me. But I know I am doing the best of what I can do. I know I am doing the right thing even when I don't feel like it. It's the same as the past, only with the exception that my emotions are so much clearer to myself than ever before.

Lord, give me more wisdom, grace and mercy so that I'll know how to handle all these thoughts, emotions and convictions.

2010-10-16T13:11:00.001-07:00

Right now, I'm standing guard by Geraldine at CGH. It really does feel like I'm a Dad watching over his daughter.

I wonder IF I have to go through another trial or situation at the hospital where I have to stay. Who will be there? Will I have to go through another heartache where those that I expected will not be there. Or those I no longer want to be. Only time will tell. For there might be a chance where I might have to go again.

If this the mark of a minstry. I hope not. It's enough pain. I rather limp and lean on God for the rest of my life than to go through another of this.

Let's hope not. Keeping my fingers crossed and my faith up high.

2010-10-16T12:47:00.001-07:00

I wonder what Jesus felt like when He took on all the sickness and diseases for us. If He could have done it willingly it must have been because He saw all the pain and suffering that we might have gone through if He have not bore it. How great is His love for us!

I felt that I've gained another level in understanding how God thinks and feels towards us. I hated the part of me that feels like crap when I see the people I care about is afflicted by sickness or things. I hope and wish I could take their places. But I know I can't. It's only a thought that WE as humans can only think of that when we have personal bonds and relationships with the other party. BUT Jesus did it for all of us. Regardless whether will we know Him or acknowledge Him as our Lord and savior.

How deep indeed is His love for us. That while we were still sinners He died for us. For someone who might not come to know Him at all. While we were faithless He is faithful.

I got reminded of the many times I failed God. About the many heartbreaks I had. The many breakthroughs and the many blessings that came along with the trial and tribulations. How each time The Lord my God is still faithful, just and gracious towards me. The many times I fought against men with my own abilities. Wrestled against God with my own pride and logic. He is still my heavenly Father and continually loves me.

So in the midst of all my situation and crisis, I know that God has a plan for me. I will not run, I will carry on fighting in FAITH that my God can deliver. But it's all within His timing.

O Lord, nothing can measure the depth and the breath of Your love towards us.

2010-10-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

I feel that in recent times, I have nothing to fear. For I have already faced my deepest fears or rather they have already occured or I'm living in them.

I have nothing that excites me. For everything is so mundane that it is obivious in my sight. Nothing suprises me anymore. I have experinced too many events one after another that any other thing seems dull.

I have nothing that I can accomplish in army right now. I have my awards, glory and chance to stand at the very top. I had also lost my chance to perform or shine anymore in army being a clerk now.

I have nothing that makes me feel alive for the time being.
There are times I feel i'm just a lone man taking on everything that is going against me, without anyone I would share my deepest sorrows with. Not that I don't have people around me. But rather I choose not to anymore, the less people know. The better things would be.

I'm only waiting for doctor's approval for me to start training like how I used to. Sprinting, heavy weight training, resistance training and also to start on extreme sports that I'm keen on. MMA, Free running, Parkour, etc.

Maybe that will make me feel alive till I can start living my own life after I ORD. Can't wait for it.

What's life without thrill, the feeling of adreanaline pumping, the increasing heart rate. The feeling of fear, the feeling of excitment. The feeling of accomplisment, of having overcome obstacles set against our way. Without which we can hardly count to be alive.

2010-10-12T08:27:00.001-07:00

I hate that I am serious on the inside and on the exterior I put on the facade that everything's ok and trival. It sucks that EVERY single thing is a serious matter to me. I should really learn how to take things easy. WaaYYYYYYY easier.

2010-10-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

I wonder why, it causes me a little bit of distress. What could this mean?

2010-10-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

I think I need a well deserved break from everything.

I think after ORD-ing. I'm gonna work for 2 months and go on a trip either back-packing or just hang out at a FANTASTIC beach or forest or some fun/adventurous place for ONE ENTIRE MONTH, and be uncontactable, no phones, no emails, no facebook, no twitter.

The purpose is to take a well deserved break from all the mental and emotional clutter.

For the time being I should let go and cast away of all inhibitions of everything and anything. Instead of always caring what others would feel if I do this or that. I shall just do what makes me really happy.

What happens in vegas the movie,
I'll rather do nothing and be happy then do something and not be happy.

Small mistakes, Big consequences.

2010-10-06T16:25:00.001-07:00

I was talking to my friend about how our little choices makes a difference in our current state. How it all snowballs and affects how our future would have been. How our choices determines our present and what are those choices. For myself personally there have been way too many cross roads in my life. I now, wished sometimes I took a different route.

1) mixing with the wrong crowd in secondary school.
- I mixed with the "cool" crowd and neglected my studies.

2) Smoking and drinking
- If I didn't I would have saved up even more money.

3) Not joining a sport for CCA in secondary school.
- If I had I would have accomplished much much more.

4) Never got persuaded to started gaming.
- I would not have been addicted to games and studied more and also not get influenced by the stuff on internet.

5) Working during poly days.
- I would have gotten better grades.

6) Joining Canoeing in poly
- I might not have gotten to national team. I might not have accomplish something in poly. BUT I might not have so much pride and confidence in myself.

7) Entering into Nationals
- I wouldn't have quitted canoeing at the final few months of my year 2 in poly.

8) Slacking for a month after I finished my final exams in poly
- would have saved more money and not get so complacent.

9) Doing my best in BMT.
- Things would have been different, I would not have been labeled as a threat by those OCS want-to-go people and have a more enjoyable time during BMT.

But all the above are small mistakes Which I think mattered little to me. Obviously IF I had not done as I did I would be a very different man. One who is most probably atheletic, studious, innocent and most probably A LOT richer. But these mistakes also allowed me to meet the people who I care about deeply, allowed me to meet those close to me and of cos those who I HAD fun with.

However THESE are my BIGGEST regrets, thing would have been A LOT DIFFERENT if I didn't do this.

10) leaving church after a disagreement and other complications.
- I wouldn't have been away from God for 2-3 years.
- I would have been serving in a greater way.

11) Playing basketball out of my own schedule during FS course.
- I wouldn't have spent 5 months in pain.
- I would have passed out as a FS getting 400 dollars more per month.
- I MIGHT have gotten the golden bayonet and course best PT.
- I wouldn't have had quarrels with certain friends.
- I wouldn't have been depressed.
- I would have gotten my FIC and NCAP level 2.
- I would have been enjoying my life right now.
- I wouldn't have felt so emotionally stressed out now.
- I would have still remained close to SOMEONE.
- I wouldn't have changed this much.
- I wouldn't have forced myself to make a decision to cut off some bonds with others that I treasure even till now. In hopes that I would have become more like myself after a long period of time.

In these mistakes/crossroads in my life I know for sure, God's hand was there moving me closer to him and drawing me to him. Through all these trials and testing I've seen His power, His love and His grace.

For the 10th and 11th I regret it immensely, I wished I could turn back time and reverse it. I wish it never happened. It pains me physically, emotionally and spiritually greatly. All I can pray for and believe in is that God's hand is indeed in motion in this mistake. That it is indeed for His power, love and grace for me to go through this.

I shall not be like the children of Israel in the wilderness and complain about God leading me through trials. What's done is done. All I can believe is that my God will lead me through, His grace is sufficent and that His ways are higher than my ways His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-10
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Jeremiah 29:10-12

This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

2010-10-01T12:13:00.001-07:00

If a guy like me can get jealous, that's a big thing.
but I'll never let the person I'm jealous for know.
maybe this is pride, maybe i'm just a fool.
BUT one thing I know.
it's the best thing I can do for now.
to control myself.
to restraint myself.

2010-10-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Sometimes bad things happen when you feel like you don't deserve it.
Sometimes bad things just happen and you just have to STACO (suck thumb and carry on)

This hurt like hell still. But, let's just wait and see I'll defintely get back on my feet. Literally and metaphorically. I'll never give in to the negative things in my life right now. NEVER.

Perharps someday I will and I can look back and say this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I can never change the past. BUT, I can change the future.

God's grace and MY will will and shall carry me through this.

2010-09-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like a loser. Seriously. Thanks once again. For making me feel this way. I thought this Xmas would be a time of reconciliation but you spoilt the mood totally. Once again, thanks for making me feel loserish. I don't know if you know who you are but kudos to you. Really kudos to you.

2010-09-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

Snippets of songs from never shout never.

I'm a little bit insecure,
From all of this mis-treatment.
But see I'm working it out,
I'm working it out,
It's so damn hard,
When your alone.

I am running out of words
To say to you,
Wondering why I'm wasting my time,
Thinking back and wondering why,
I'm such a fool for loving you.

And I got to the point where,
All I wanted was for us to make up,
But its not that easy.
Cause girl you move on so quickly,
Keeping a boy like me at the edge of his seat

And I was one who thought I was the strong one,
Well you proved me wrong,
Now I'm singing along,
To every song on the radio i don't wanna go,
Come on baby tell me something I wanna know,
And I don't wanna see what is on my mind,
Because this lack of motivations,
Taking over my time and I'm sick of trying.

2010-09-27T05:22:00.001-07:00

For the next 30 days. I shall not tweet or facebook. I shall not express myself in words in regards to my emotions on the internet. I shall only post songs or snippets of it on my blog for the next 30 days IF I do blog.

2010-09-27T04:39:00.001-07:00

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melachony
can somebody kill me please.
somebody kill me please.
I'm on my knees please please please
KILL ME
I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head~!

Wedding singer the movie.

2010-09-26T14:57:00.001-07:00

No matter what, I'll not be the pillar of salt.

Stop looking back, stop thinking back. Stop wishing that things never turned out this way. Gotta stop wishing that I never allowed myself to be forced into saying the decision I have made.

I thought it hurts to struggle alone. But it hurts more having to cut off things that were dear to me.

Right now, Your grace is the only thing that pulls me through, O Lord.
Well, off to camp right now.

2010-09-26T06:12:00.001-07:00

Just the way you are.

Oh her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they’re not shining
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her she wont believe me
And its so, its so sad to think she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay I say

Chorus
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re a-mazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause you’re a-mazing, just the way you are

Her lips, her lips I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh she hates but I think its so sexy
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you’re searching for, then just stay the same
So, don’t even bother asking if you look okay, you know I say

Chorus
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re a-mazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause you’re a-mazing, just the way you are

Bridge
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you’re amazing Just the way you are

Chorus
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re a-mazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while

Cause you’re a-mazing, just the way you are

2010-09-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

It hurts but, it the best for me. 长痛不如短痛.

I'll want to close this chapter. This story. This book.

If you want you can start a new one or end it.

My feelings towards you won't change. And I don't want to do anything that causes me more pain.

It is hard. But I have to make this choice else I will only be suffering in misery and bitterness for a long time. I know what you might be saying about me blogging about you again. But, yea. If this friendship matters to you do something about it. For me, I'm not gonna hope, want or expect anything. If you do, it's a bonus for me. If you don't I think I'll be fine with it.

Gonna aim to be back to normal. Back to who I was and even better.

2010-09-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

Went for water baptism today. It's gonna be a new start for me. Even though things didn't miraculously change to be just a walk in the park for me. I know it'll never be. BUT! From now on, I refuse, I refuse to feel anything but optimism.

2010-09-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

Pain is an inhibitor of strenght.
Pain reminds us that we're hurt.
Pain reminds us not to excersise or stress out the injured area for it to heal.

What's true for the natural is true for the spiritual.
So in a sense, hurts can't be heal if it is constantly being stress out and continually happening. Broken and empty promises hurts the injured party even more.

So either live up to your own promises or tell the party you can't.

What people desire between the bonds with others is not obligation. But sincere effort and care. Be real, as real as you can ever be. Don't be moved by guilt or obligation for that would be the greatest insult. - unknown.

I can't recall of one incident where effort was put in since the day the book was given to me. Did you even bother?

2010-09-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

The power of marketing. The power of advertisment. Somehow they seem to be selling a dream, a vision.

If so, why shouldn't the Church be the one doing so. The word of God says that, your young man shall dream dreams and your old man shall see visions.

What is the vision/dream you're selling? What is the image you potray? For we are the very advertisment of God's kingdom, grace and mercy.

Just a thought that came to me while I was reading about marketing. Sometimes God impresses things like that just throug your daily life. Simply love getting insights like this every single day!

2010-08-31T10:02:00.001-07:00

I don't know a lot of things.
BUT,
One thing I know.

I don't want to go back to camp on my fricking birthday!

2010-08-27T03:03:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in the bus today I saw a kid and his mum. Initially he was being annoying and a pest make a din of noise. As I got irritated I listened more intently trying to find ways to make he shut up. By saying something that will embarrass him. But as I listen he was just being super enthusiastic about going to a passar malam and about his favorite superhero.

As I listen and look at him I felt so old suddenly. When was the last time I was super enthusiastic about anything? When was the last time I believed in heroes? I wonder if that's also true for most people right now. As we grow up we lost our energy and enthusiasm about things. We no longer did things like draping a red cloth behind our backs and pretending to be superman. Or did we? Or are we just suppressing the things and emotions we feel or think because of the expectations placed on us by the people around us?

It made me think that as we grow up we lost not just our childishness but our strong belief in ourselves and a pure faith and heart. One that trust totally.

As time went on the kid became tired and fell asleep in his mother's embrace. And when they reached their stop he woke up and kissed his mum saying I love you mummy.

I just feel that kids are indeed pure. Their faith, their beliefs, their hearts and their love. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the biological Clock back to when I knew nothing at all. When I was just a kid.

Is this what the bible meant in Matthew 18:2-3

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

When we were kids our hearts, beliefs, our faith, our love and our thoughts were so pure. I wonder now, if growing up was a good thing. Or rather, can we reach back to that state when we were pure.

2010-08-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

My only wish this year is simple. It's something everyone can give. But it can't be bought. And, No. It's not world peace.

It's just this,

That all those who used to be and is close to me right now. Be as close as we have ever been, if not closer to me. That's my only and greatest wish this year.

It's not that I have grown cold. But that, I think it's the other way around. You have grown cold.

2010-08-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my friend just the other day about his issues and problems. And I'm shocked by the things I have said. He is going through certain issues in his life right now that's very similar to mine. But coming from my (composed) point of view since it's not my life, the advices and the things I have said could defintely apply to myself.

Right now, I'm just like a bottle of coke with a mentos and shaken left right and center. Inevitably that bottle should and will explode if we do not let the gas out. However all that I have been doing since I was 15 was just to hold on to it. Or even changing that bottle to a larger and stronger one so that it doesn't explode.

There are many underlying issues with my own emotions I have yet to deal with. I asked him about a few issues which I have see as his underlying issues and to all of which I couldn't answer it myself.

1) What is the greatest demonstration of love from another you have recieved?
2) What do you want out of others?
3) What are you holding on for? EGO or really loving the people whom you care for?

And to that, I stopped and pondered. Am I able to answer all of that? I do have an ego problem. I keep asking people what they want and what they need. BUT, I have yet to ask myself what do I want and need.

I've also told him that the reason why things are turning out like this is because he held everything in. He keeps on fighting based on his own strength. He puts on the facade that everything is alright. And, that will cause hurt to the people who truly cares and loves him.

So in that sense have I? Is this the reason why things have turned out the way it has? Because I keep everything to myself. My deepest and truest self have always been suppressed by my own expectations of myself. That I should hold everything in till I can't.

Just because I have a high standard which I uphold and keep from young. That doesn't mean it's common sense. Maybe in a sense that's what caused everything.

I've asked myself seriously for the first time. Do I love the people I say I care for. Verse from the bible keeps coming out to slam me in the face. I loved them in my heart and by certain actions. But I have not said it clearly, mainly due to my pride and warped conception that; Men are not supposed to show their emotions. Maybe in this way, I've hurt those I really loved. By not being honest with them.

I told him and people before emotions are not a sign of weakness. But, I myself fear to show my deepest and truest emotions in front of everyone.

So, for now. I'm just gonna be very critical of myself to change even more for the better. Not just how I carry myself. That is the root of the issue. I hold everything in painting this beautiful picture where nothing affects me to most people. I'm gonna deal with the deepest and darkest part of myself, my emotional issues that have been neglected for years.

And, the answer to one of the question right now. This much I know for sure. It's not because of ego that I still love the people who have hurt me. It's not ego that I hold on to relationships that mattered. Be it as friends or more. I really still love you people.

2010-08-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

I wonder if you'll be glad to know what you have done to me.

2010-08-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you

Traditional Irish Blessing

2010-08-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

2010-08-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

Was reading my old notes about things and all. I came across this and thought that putting this up here can serve to remind me of things I once knew and held dear to. So... Here goes.

Values that I feel we should have

1 timothy 3:2-3 says that,

"Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money"

1 timothy 3:8-10 also says that,

"Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons. "

these 2 verses are talking about leadership roles. BUT I feel this are the qualities any MAN be it a leader or not should have.

1) above reproach (blameless in his outward conduct. To be upright and just in his dealings with others)
2) the husband of one wife (faithfulness)
3) temperate (meek in nature)
4) self-controlled (control over his actions at any point in time)
5) respectable (worthy of being respected)
6) hospitable (generous and caring)
7) able to teach (self defined)
8) not given to drunkenness (does not drink to get drunk/ doesn't drinks a lot)
9) not violent but gentle (meekness/ does not show his displeasure by inflicting pain on offending party)
10) not quarrelsome (does not seek after quarrels or fights)
11) not a lover of money (money is not the number 1 piority)
12) sincere (not hypocrites)
13) not pursuing dishonest gain (does not seek to use others to his own benefits)
14) They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience (having strong convictions in the biblical/moral truths without any wavering)

Even if I have this thoughts and convictions I'm not proud to say this but
I have failed some of them. True pressure brings out the hidden imperfections. I'm after all still a work in progress.

2010-07-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

2010-07-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

In a way I've said what I needed to say. Or rather what I've been dying to say yet controling myself not to.

In a way that makes me more relieved because I no longer have a reason to carry on doing what I've been doing. And I mean what I say.

2010-07-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

MIXTAPE

You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know

But you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
You don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish that there was more than that
About me and you

[Bridge]
Oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me
Your friend and I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
That you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
And it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em
And let's get messed up and listen to probably...

The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you
About me and you

2010-07-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

I loved the sermon today. The key take away is that there are 3 types of prayer for wisdom.

1st, to avoid getting into trials.
2nd, to get out of trials as fast as possible.
3rd, to understand and appreciate God's will for that trial.

When we are led into temptations and trials we should not be led away to wander for other solutions. We don't cry out for other alternatives but to cry out to our Father God for help.

I've always known that in trials we can't follow our emotions. We can only use our logic and rejoice in it. For I've learnt the hard way that, most spiritual lessons have a VERY high tuition fee BUT we can't decide when school's in session only God can. However ultimately we will be able to get through this emerging as a better man. Therefore the wisdom of prayer should be for the 3rd type of prayer to know God's will for that trial. To seek after His heart.

Sometimes the devil gives us certain things in order for us to feel that we did it in by our own power.
Sometimes we lie to ourselves telling ourselves that God gave me this and God gave me that. However that's a lie to ourselves. Because so long as we claim any part of it as our own it's no longer an offering to God.
This trial is a trial to see if we can remain humble enough to not claim any glory on our own. To not have any pride in ourselves.

The devil is smart enough to place "breakthroughs" in our lives to mock us. But God our father is able to turn it around for our good. BUT that will only occur if we are able to give glory and praise to Him in all things and for all things.

Therefore the wisdom we should all have and seek is the 3rd kind to understand and appreciate God's will for that trial.

2010-07-20T22:03:00.001-07:00

I'm scared. I'm scared of the things that could happen to me. I have never cried so much in a year over people. Or more like I have never cried over people since I was 9. I have never felt so much emotional pain that I felt a real physical pain stabbing at me. I have never lost my cool so much. I have never thought that I would say just immature stuff. I would have never condemn myself so much. I have never spent 24 hours scolding myself. I have never tried to sleep and tears wouldn't stop. I have never felt this tired trying to hold the different pieces of me together. I have never felt like such a liar. To put on the front everything is alright in front of my family and still hold it in for them. To handle their problems, to solve their issues to stay up the entire night looking after them. How much more can I take?

To listen to the whining and problems of my friends and tell them everything is gonna be alright. To give them advices, to allow them to rely on me. Where I have no one to rely on. No one to tell me what to do. No one who is able to tell me everything is gonna be alright. I'm scared I'll turn crazy. I'm scared at the end of the day I'll be totally crushed and ending up like how my friend told me.

I'm really terrified. All that is left for me at the end of the road. Through another one of these crushing trials, another heartache is that. God never allows me to go through more than what I can bear. That to be an elite you have to go through elite's training. I'm sick, I'm drained. But who do I have to turn to. Who on earth has paused and asked if Li Xin can take it. Nope, it's always I cannot take it. Li Xin has to give in, he has to suck it up. It's always can you look in my shoes. Have you ever looked in Li Xin's shoes.

I don't want to be crushed. The only thing left is just holding on desperately that I'll not lose my faith. And experince once again, the sufficent grace of God.

2010-07-18T07:03:00.001-07:00

Despicable me was kinda awesome actually. It totally proved my assumption of animated movies sucks. It has also reminded me a few simple facts that I myself have forgotten.

1) Kids might be powerless to impact the society. But they can change us with their pure love.
2) Whether we like it or not, family is the most important. Be it related by blood or just friends who are so close and dear to us like family.
3) Sometimes all it takes is for us to just forget our own agendas and have fun.
4) Most people position and envision them as someone they thought they should be. But sometimes we forget who we really are.
5) Praise is the sunlight of the human soul. Without which we cannot flourish.
6) Sometimes all it takes is to acknowledge the effort of someone and we can alter the course of their lives.

That being said. Here's one interesting topic to think about. Are we nice to be loved or loving nice people.

2010-07-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Which I think, is pretty normal don't you think? While reading the previous post these questions came into my mind.

Like being late shows or tells me that you don't value or respect my time. If you do not respect my time isn't that like saying that I don't matter at all?
If you expect a high standard for others shouldn't you expect a higher standard from yourself?

Money is hard to earn, therefore we should only spend when necessary.
Who likes someone who curse and swear like some babarian all the time?
Would a guy like a woman who's smelly and dress like some weirdo?
Isn't honesty valued?

If life is not in a schedule how would people be able to squeeze time for all the things they need to do and have time to spend with their close ones?
If you do not take care of your own health who will and who can?

If your thoughts are so easily swayed what kind of person are you? Shouldn't you be firm in your choices and not influenced by peer pressure?

Why should people go from liking one person to another so easily?
Why should guys be at the whim of girls?
Isn't there a saying once bitten twice shy?

2010-07-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

Was getting so bored that I read this. Which at some point in time quite true. So here's to share.

Virgo Man

Time is precious for Virgo man and if you make him wait, he will consider that as an insult. He hates to hear criticism and hates to be criticize. If he is criticizing other people, then he must be influenced by other Zodiac. He is and he likes to be a perfectionist. He always think he is doing the right and appropriate thing , and often he thinks he makes no mistake. He is a bright guy and could accept comments if he thinks it can improve himself. He is the type who well adjusted to make changes.

He will spend money carefully and spent it worthwhile. He will only extravagant for his personal pleasure only. He is quite romantic, the type of guy who will drive 100 miles just to tell you how much he misses you. If he does not care about you, he will not even spent a dime to call you locally. Long distant special low rate call is also out of the question.

He hates rough and crude people. His woman has to be clean and dress well. He inspects any thing in details beside being a perfectionist, so you could be lying in your bikini with a perfect figure and he can suddenly comments you about your big feet. If you gain 2 pounds , he may comments you are getting too fat. Before going out with this kind of guy, look at yourself head to toe in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really and entirely ready. Unless he dates a model, then he will have less comments.

He is neat and tidy, so his life always in a schedule, a fix time to lunch, the same time to go home. He is well knowledgable about food and conscious about nutrition, so you won't see this guy eating a junk food, or strange and exotic food for sure.

You will see him in social events or party if only necessary. He is gifted with acting, so if he says he can not go out with you because he is sick, then you will believe him. He is a hard to please when it comes to what to eat, how to work, what kind of a woman to date. He always neat and tidy all the times, even if he is in the army, he will be the cleanest soldier in the camp. He likes to speak properly with no slang. He hates laziness and lazy people. He always act like a boring mature adults, but getting to know him, you will know he has his own charm.

He always see things clearly, so he is not the type to be blinded by love. He is a kind and cool guy, but if constantly irritate with rudeness, ignorant, or stupidity then he will show you that he is annoyed. You may see a guy in this Zodiac dress up in an old shirt and old Jean, but if you look carefully, you will see that his hair is neat and consciously he will touch his hair a lot. His desk is always neat and if he sees small scrap paper on the floor, he will pick it up or put it in the basket.

People may think he is selfish, because when he says "No", he really means it. Any favor asked , he will help but always in his own limit. The more he see faults in others, the less he wants people to see his. If you want him to change his faults, try to tell him gently or he could take it as an insult.

He wants love that comes with quality, so he only has a few loves in his life. Woman's trick will not work with him. If he breaks up with a woman, he will also try to avoid all her friends and her environments too. He is very picky and every breaking up, he will be double careful next time. He can sweep woman with his charm, but he likes to keep his relationship like a friend. He likes a sincere self confident woman, neat and clean, perfect and tidy. A real two "P" , picky and perfectionist Zodiac.

2010-07-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

I think before being a man. One must first learn basic courtesy and etiqutte. One cannot claim or talk about being a man if you do not know the basic things that follow after it.

I think it takes something for someone younger than you to talk to you about being a man. I was just pointing out things as you said. "Pointing out things that could be improved." But you just believed that what you did was right. Why comment when you're not making an effort to do it? Why comment when you didn't even have the proper manners or etiqutte? Like offering to help or letting the person you're commenting rest when he/she is doing it constantly without ceasing? Don't you think it's basic courtesy of a MAN to do so?

Don't you think it IS proper manners and etiqutte when you need something to be done, or rather to TROUBLE someone to get things down for you. TO ASK PROPERLY. Instead of being rude and all? I think and feel that anybody would if they see their close friends being treated rudely be a little angered.

The funny thing was things shouldn't and wouldn't have turn out this way if you didn't insist on your way. To talk about it immediately. The person was just talking about the issue but you insisted otherwise how it was NEVER your fault, how YOU NEVER NEEDED TO OWE that person anything. Your "apology" sounded more like, "fine! I'm sorry for that BUT I'm not at fault!" WOW WHAT AN APOLOGY! After totally pissing someone of not about the issue but about your attitude. You want the person to talk normally or react normally to you? What a JOKE.

I'm sorry but I'm DEFINTELY not that nice or kind-hearted. I'll not try to be nice for the sake of being nice. I'm just gonna be 100% real.

Talk about being a man. Talk about leadership. What a joke. Seriously. What is your definition of a man? Yourself? Stop lying to yourself. If others suppress what they feel about you are you really leading? If it takes someone who is frank enough to tell you what they feel and what they think shouldn't you embrace that person as a friend instead of making him so pissed that he wants to ignore you?

As always, I don't have to show my displeasure openly. BUT, I don't have to want to interact with you unless necessary.

So seriously as far as I'm concerned I don't have to approve of you to accept you. Neither do I have to like you as a friend to work with you. Nor do I need to interact with you to be normal with you.

2010-07-14T07:42:00.001-07:00

Ok, enough with the angsty post.

I shall share or rather post about some of the interesting things I've heard or conversations I have been involved in.

Friend: All the girls you liked before are pretty crazy in some area don't you think.
Me: No la where got. *pause* actually true huh.

Another conversation that went like this with a different friend.

Friend: I where got blur. I where got blur.
Me: you confirm blur. wanna test it?
Friend: Why not?
Me: You are a B-I-M-B-O
Friend: *looks in the air trying hard to think* *took out her handphone and typed it out* *pauses for like 5 seconds* Eh! How can you say me like that.
Me: That just proves my point. HAHA!

HAHAAHAHA! That's just the tip of the icerberg shall carry on blogging about the rest on another day.

2010-07-14T07:26:00.001-07:00

It just proves how much it matters. I won't be saying much. I might even put on the facade nothing is wrong. Will you even know or realise. I think not.

But seriously who gives a shit.

Go shit in your hand and piss off.

2010-07-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

Being Nice VS being Real

I was thinking through the day about the differences in a nice guy and a guy trying to be nice. Fundamentally to people it is the same thing. Because generally the results is that that guy treats everyone nicely. BUT, it is really different.

Trying your best to be a nice guy without really understanding or changing your internal set of values to be one (in my opinion) causes one to be frequently depressed and suffer from intermittent explosiveness, career confusion or job meaningless, ambiguous anxiety, low awareness of one's own needs, either flat or explosive relationbships, resentment about being the victim of "mean people" and subtle self hate.

All these emotions are caused by bottling everything up in an attempt to be nice. Ultimately when there's an outlet you lash out everything onto it. Be it martial arts classes, an unsuspecting child or even your loved ones. Resulting them in pushing them further and further away from you. Which in turn will make you try to be a nicer to them and the vicious cycle carries on.

This I feel is caused by the unawareness of self identity, trying too hard to please people; exchanging your true self for that tiny little bit of perverted praise from others. How many a times in our own education system we often scold/reprimand those who are more active(disruptive) in classes? How often it is we force our set of character and expectations on others, when it is obivious that everyone is different. So in a way, we enslave or are enslaved by these "whips of the education systems" which conformed us to behave in a certain set way.

Is being nice to others so important or being true to ones own character and values? The human mind or rather human beings are bio-psycho-social-spiritual beings. In some ways thats like the chain of piorities in our lives. If we link it to Maslow's hierarchy of needs you'll find it links totally. So in sense, Humans on a general after the basic needs such as food, water, breathing clothing, shelter and sex(yes you heard me right sex) are met, crave and hunger the most for praise and acceptance.

But in a sad way, we are enslaved by that basic need. So in order to meet that need in our own lives we start to force ourselves to conform to a certain set of behavior that we believe are accepted or even well-liked by others. We try to be nice guys, we try to keep up to the latest trend of fashion, dress up according to the group we would want to be indentified with. All in all sometimes suppressing our true self from showing.

Ultimately I believe that the most important thing is to be true to oneself. Why should we be so concerned about how others think of us? As long as we did what was right to us and we're able to answer up for our actions and also to God. Why should we force ourselves to behave in a certain manner?

Why force ourselves to behave in a certain manner and end up feeling depressed, intermittent explosiveness, career confusion or job meaningless, ambiguous anxiety, low awareness of one's own needs, either flat or explosive relationbships, resentment about being the victim of "mean people" and subtle self hate.

In contrast instead of trying to be a nice guy and that you're real (being nice without having to try to conform to a certain set of behavior). Basically it means that you understand the reason of being nice. That you are nice because you see the larger picture ahead. That you genuinely want to contribute to the well being of others. which in a sense is totally following what Jesus said once before. "... to love your neighbour as yourself" luke 10:27. Because you love yourself your own well-being to be taken care of. Thus if we are able to love your neighbour as ourselves we would contribute to the well-being of others.

So what are you doing today? trying to be nice. Or genuinely being nice. Are we loving our neighbour as ourselves or are we just keeping our judgements and emotions inside?

I believe to cure this "nice guy" disease we got to start changing firstly, ourselves. Secondly, the way we bring up our future generation. Thirdly, the education system. Lastly to be true to ourselves no matter what occasion.

We have to be nice, but that doesn't mean we must force ourselves to be nice. We can understand the hurts of others and point it out to them so that they can see it in their own light. Because when we are hurt we usually tend to not want to acknowledge the fact that we are hurt.

So what's your choice? To carry on suffering for this "nice guy" disease or to change the situation of slavery to please people one by one. Starting from the man in the mirror.

2010-06-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

I thank God for friends who understand how and what I think. I thank God for them thinking in a similar fashion so that when I don't want to. They can remind me of what and how I think. The go and get mindset instead of the wait and see mindset.

Friends who understand the simple fact that. It's impossible for me to aim for a just pass in anything. I'll only strive towards being the best that I can be in every task I focus on. Friends who can read my emotions even behind those masks.

So in a way, I need more male fellowship with guys who are around my age, think like me or is around the same calibre. As the saying goes birds of the same feather flock together. Guys like us always don't flock together enough because we are busy doing things and surrounded by people who are just not like us.

So in a way, I should start gathering these brothers and have a more regular way or mode of fellowship.

2010-06-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

A song that I'm falling in love with. WOOTS! haha. Every little thing by dishwalla. Enjoy!

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

2010-06-16T13:13:00.001-07:00

Some thoughts of the week, as I have been coaching swimming for the past 2 weeks I've come once again into a lot of contact with kids and realised why I enjoy teaching young children. It's that they are so pure without any hidden motives and issues that accompany associating or relating to teenagers and young adults alike. They show their love freely, speak what's on their mind. But most of all their hearts are very pure.

We live in a very fast paced society. Many a times people forget the simple pleasures in life. Things such as chilling out with nice wine, reading a good novel, munching on chocolates and sticking your finger into jam/honey and just eating it like that. We tend to focus on goals, expectations, targets and agendas. What happened to the (in my opinion the more important things in life) spending time with your family, making an effort to spend time with those who care about you, etc.

People make use of others to in a way meet their own needs. Or rather most of us do that. We fail to realise and remember how it was when we were kids. To do those things that we once enjoyed as a child. Where there were no agendas, no targets, no goals and expectations. Where we talked to one another or to our parents just because we wanted to spend time with them. Even when we were pushed aside or upset or hurt it will be forgotten the next moment. Where our family spent time eating out together or cooking together or even a simple picnic could bring great joy.

Is it really true that gone were the days where we can just do the things we enjoy and still meet our agenda or expectations in life. Or is it that we have failed to realise what are the important things in life. It's never about acheiving success without happiness. It's not about acheivements or results but the process. Have we forgotten all about the key to living. It's not about what you can do, but rather what you have enjoyed experincing and doing.

Do we work for money or for our purpose? Is this what the bible meant in Mathew 18:2-4
He called a little child and had him stand among them.
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Is it to forget about your goals, targets, agendas and expectations and to become like a child. to do what we enjoy trusting God wholeheartedly. Forgeting about our hurts and unhappiness the next instance. To forgive without asking. To love without agendas. To care without motives. To take the humble pie and forget our past acheivements living in the present.

However that does not mean that we behave in a childish manner without discernment and maturity. But for our hearts to become as pure as a child once again.

So with these thoughts in mind I pray.

Father, all things that are before me right now I leave them up to You. The past glory and acheivements are things you have graced me with. Let me once again have the heart of a child. To forgive without asking. To love without agendas. To care without motives. Let me not live in the past but the present. Let the trials that I have been through shape me and let me be able to forget all the pain. Being a child in my heart but also coupled with the discernment that I've gained over the years and holding on to the way I should carry myself according to what You have set ahead for me.

p.s. pardon my terrible grammar in this post it's like 04 39 and i'm sleepy.

2010-06-14T08:42:00.001-07:00

A new song that I think it's really cool. It's from an artist that no one really hears from.

The best thing that you never had

Hello how you doing?
What's it like to ruin all my self esteem
Let me blow off some steam
For 5 years I've waited,
So why am I jaded to get back at you
What makes it cool

When you act like nothing ever happened
I feel like I should feel bad
But I can't like someone who thought
They're the only one that mattered
I hope that you're flattered
Cause you broke this down
The best thing that you never had

And it seems like a loss somehow
My heart got lost on the way to my head
And my brain cells are dead
And the craziness shows
Now I start to go when the green turns to red
And I should be dead

When you act like nothing ever happened
I feel like I should feel bad
But I can't like someone who thought
They're the only one that mattered
While my heart got shattered like romantic roadkill
My heart is all splattered your ego got fatter
And I hope that you're flattered
Cause you broke this down
The best thing that you never had

Like the toilet seat never got lifted
And I pissed on your confidence
When you weren't around, how can that be?
Don't turn this around
You were the one
Who drove my ass right to the ground

When you act like nothing ever happened
I feel like I should feel bad, and I can't like

Someone who thought
They're the only one that mattered
While my heart got shattered like romantic roadkill
My heart is all splattered your ego got fatter
And I hope that you're flattered
Cause you broke this down
You broke this down
The best thing, the best thing,
The best thing that you never had

You never had...

2010-06-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

A quote from prince of persia which by the way IS an awesome movie!

A good man plunge courageously into danger to save others. A great man stops it from even happening and you my son has the potential of an exceedingly great man.

Which I think God sees that in all of us.

For that I thank Him for giving me grace and blessings for this tough time ahead. I've finished my struggles and the finacial breakthroughs are on their way. I also believe it more than just finacial blessings coming my wayand more door are going to open up.

I also thank God for providing me with great friends around me. A few example are Basil, Ching Ee, Esmond, Jack, yoksan and some of my poly friends. I don't know if you guys read my blog. But thank you for being there for me through this tough times. You guys might not know it, But your help/presence in my tough times has helped me tide through it.

To Basil and Ching, I believe that we are more than just friends. We're closer to a family and I love you guys.

Tough times don't last tough men do. DORYA! SORYA!

2010-06-02T03:55:00.000-07:00

Well the news about COC making a din about our church again and straits time publiscing it. Honestly speaking I think it's not fair about to our church leadership especially pst Kong. To add on, I think it was pretty ridiculous. If you read the article yesterday carefully it was laced with pretty much a lot of contridictions.

1) you detain Pst Kong for something to do with the misuse of funds. After which in the same page you said that he has not been taking salary from the church.
2) you put on the picture of the sign that the office is closed in that article. How misleading is that? When the reason for the closure is to allow the staff to rest.
3) You put on in a small paragraph claiming that this has nothing to do with the suntec deal.
4) the paper has just painted the church in the worse light possible after the suntec city saga. without thinking about what the church has done. eg. humanitarian works, CHCSA, disater relief.

I believed that this is just a opposition from the world due to us growing. It's like our influence is getting bigger and so in a way the world is trying to contain us. But I'm sure after all this we'll come out of it even stronger because we serve a God that cannot be limited.

I have full confidence in the leadership of the church that this claim is just something that people conspire because we are rising up. The obivious tall poppy symdrome.

After all that is said i think the media isn't being fair to our church. But if you read carefully you'll see contridictions and weak points being made. eg. the way sun dresses, the way we manage to build God a great house, etc.

So, we'll just let time and God prove our case to the world.

A church isn't about the building but the people that makes it up.

2010-05-31T08:14:00.001-07:00

Reconciliation means to return the self concept of each other to one another once again.

It feels like I have not gotten the idea mixed up or wrong. From thinking through stuff again and again, I was not wrong to cling on to logic even if it did hurt. I guess my self concept was crushed due to my injury and it was so fragile. As it was something I had believed in. In a sense my natural talent, defined who I was at one point of time.

When it came crashing down I lost the courage and confidence I once had. When that's all gone I had no where left to go but to God. In a sense through this entire experinced I've grown again I guess. It's no longer a head knowledge that God's grace is more than sufficent it's an experiential knowledge. I've realised that many a times in the past it was truly by God's grace I was able to go through the trials in my live. In a sense part of the reason why I was in just great turmoil was because I was unable to reconcile myself to myself. It might have been easier and less tiring if the people I wished to be there were there. With all that was happening I had nothing left but to leave it all up to God.

Through asian conference I had my answers about why I had to go through this. I had my answers of why I felt this way. I had a clearly instruction on the calling I had. When God tells you a journey. He'll defintely start by asking you to build a ship according to his plans for your future.

The winds blows once again into the battered sail.

2010-05-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

today was an answer from God about the way I've been feeling.

Why should my self concept come only from what I was able to do? Even though the old concept is destroyed. A new one has come forth. Much greater and all. For now it's just to focus on moving ahead. It seems whatever I have been thinking was right on mark. We should always focus more on logic then emotions.

The gap between self-concept and self-esteem is the difference in actual work and the latent potential of that indivual.

2010-05-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

The simple expression of concern by just a phone call. It brings me joy and relief to know that I've impacted lives and is gonna impact more lives. A few important things I feel that is essential for me to note down even on this blog.

1) To inspire others you got to first love them.
2) Love is the best motivator.
3) relationship is something you know, it's something you feel.
4) When God tells you your calling he's gonna start preparing you from the moment he tells you till you're ready or you give in to your own agendas.

2010-05-26T08:47:00.001-07:00

The lalang and the durain tree.
Which one are you?

Anyway, Asian Conference was awesome. Correction IS AWESOME. Will post more on my thoughts about the sermons in time to come. For now not gonna pin the ZZZZ monster on the floor. Come and get me you dumb ass.

2010-05-25T06:14:00.000-07:00

Out of sight, out of mind. That's the most concised form of this situation.

2010-05-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy once again. Why does it affect me so? I still can't sleep. I guess I won't be sleeping for till 23 00 today.

I need some sort of outlet.

2010-05-22T09:28:00.001-07:00

Psalm 23:3-5
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

1 cor 2:9-14
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"

but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.

2010-05-19T11:44:00.001-07:00

So here I am once again in front of my computer late at night unable to sleep filled with thoughts to think about. This was the thought that entertained me the entire day.

"A legend is not made of the impossible facts glued together. But a man who changes his world through his undying will to never give up no matter what happens."

As I was thinking about this I realized that it the measure of a man that makes a difference. So how can anyone or rather I can become a man such as that. I feel that to become such a man we got to have certain values.
1) wisdom
2) courage
3) temperance
4) justice

Wisdom.
1.The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight.
2.Common sense; good judgment: "It is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things" (Henry David Thoreau).
Therefore to be wise according to these standards is to be discerning and make good judgement calls about your own life. Not to be desperate in anything, to always maintain composure using logic before emotions. To plan before starting anything.
We can't learn or gain wisdom if you hold on to the habits and attitudes of the past. Sometimes we've gotta learn how to let go or cut off even if it hurts. Do not resists change or stop pruning yourself for the sake of being comfortable.

It is impossible to fill a cup which is full. It is wiser to empty the old wine for new wine.

Courage
1. The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.
But there are many forms of courage. It's not always found in the battlefield, nor is it proven by accomplishing feats that most people are fearful. The courage I'm thinking about is the courage that comes forth when odds are stacked against you. When you get knocked down so hard so badly that most wouldn't think you'll make it. It is also the courage that dares to challenge the common or the majority for what his own beliefs. To rather suffer then to give up on his beliefs.

Courage is the tenacity to never give up. The iron will which never says die.

Temperance
1.Moderation and self-restraint, as in behavior or expression.
2.Restraint in the use of or abstinence from alcoholic liquors.
I feel that a man should always restraint himself in certain ways. To be prim and proper, to put others before him, to be able to say no when push comes to the shove. In other words always to keep his head with him, maintain his composure and notes how he carries himself.

Male by birth Man by choice.

Justice
1.The quality of being just; fairness.
2.The principle of moral rightness; equity.
3.Conformity to moral rightness in action or attitude; righteousness.
Which means to say to be morally just. To expect what others can expect out of you. To lead by example.

proverbs 29:7
The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.

So, I've gotta work harded on these 4 points. Wisdom, courage, temperance and justice. In order to really become the man whom I want or need to be.

2010-05-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

Restrictions.

2010-05-17T02:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's funny how things in your life happens. Like at times when you go through issues now. People with similar issues comes to you for advice for company. Most of the times they don't know that you're going through it.

It's also funny how people come to you with issues you had in the past when you're going through your own challenges with your trials now. It's even more funny how your little actions can inspire others. Your words of kindness and example can make such a huge difference.

It's really amusing how people think you're a role model when you're limited by things in your life right now.

But above all, it's heartening to know that some people do care enough to show care, concern, gratitude and appreciation.

I'm really thankful for some of my neighbours and some primary school friends. They've bumped into me around the neighbourhood. They bothered to do something to show care. Like, treating me to lunch. Buying fruits for me. Asking me how am I doing. Taking a detour to walk with me. Asking me out.

My buddy in the course before I OOCed told me this, "You have been an exceptional role model for me. Even though you've been injured and OOCed you still put in your 100% in everything. Things like cheering us on. Motivating us. Training on your own. Studying for test. Giving advice and help to anyone of us. I wouldn't have made it through without you."

To me I'm thankful to God that I'm able to make this impact to him and for him. Because he is willing to go extra miles for me. Like bringing my stuff back from camp. SMSing me once in a while to check how am I doing. Bothering to try spend time with me.

It's really funny how things turn out. That my past issues and the issues i'm going through now even though it hurts and is tough to go through. But I'm able to make an impact of the lives of others.

2010-05-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

2010-05-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

So many I want to do when I recover.
1) Get back into BFSC (Basic Fitness Specialist Course)
2) Go into Muay Thai/MMA (Mixed Martial Arts)
3) Look for a external team for either canoeing or rugby.
4) Go rock climbing overseas. (cliff or something like that)
5) Get my business idea into action.

First thing first recovery and research. After which it's time to kick ass.

2010-05-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Plants need pruning to be healthy. Pruning is to cut off certains branches and growths on the plant. Which basically means to restraint and cut off certain areas for healthy growth. We also need to prune ourselves. We don't have branches to cut off. But we have relationships, bad habits and sometimes pride. We must learn how to cut off some of these things in order for our growth to be healthy. This pruning process is gonna be painful, it gonna hurt and at times we need some healing before we can carry on pruning again. But ultimately, we will grow stronger and better than ever before. Most importantly healthily.

What then should you cut off?

2010-05-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

I guess I had quite an awesome day. For starters finally managed to get myself focused onto really starting to study for private A's next year. Started with Math, covered 3 chapters well, more like a refresher course in algebra. Did 5 questions of each topic in my Engineering Math notes from Poly days. Finished reading some of the left over newsweek magazine. Managed to walk without a limp. Did some light static training at home. Took a power nap for bout 1 hour. Had dinner and headed out with some of my poly friends.

Hey, life wasn't a bed of roses for me for the past month, and it's not going to be. But hey, being happy is a choice ain't it. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

Like how I usually categorise movies into cinema quality or download/online streaming quality or not worth watching. Somehow, I categorise Kick Ass somewhere in the middle of not worth watching to download/online streaming quality. Something told me to just watch it. Well, it could be I was too bored, or that God wanted to show me something unique or just to encourage me. I watched it and somehow it impacted me a little or rather lifted my spirits up.

Quote from Kick Ass. "No power equals no responsibility. I don't think so."

Well for me at least. Family is to me like responsibility is to me. Like what most people will say when they are angry about their family. "I didn't choose to be born in this family!" But for me it's a different meaning. Many people would tell me that God placed you into this family for a reason, it's to mould you to make you a stronger man. Well, that aside I mean as normal human beings we sometimes get irritated that people always use God to force or "convince" you that you should be doing this and that. Yada yada. Yak yak.

To me, I don't like it, I don't enjoy it. But for some reason or another I love them all the same. No matter how much pain they have caused me. It doesn't even matter I wake up everyday to quarrels. It doesn't even matter that it seems that I'm the only sane person that doesn't pick a fight with anyone in years. It doesn't even matter if I'm the one clearing the shit of everyone given my state right now. It doesn't even matter if I feel like giving up at times. What matters is that because I love my family no matter what happens. I'll take responsibility for them.

At times I feel like I've no more power left in myself to do things for my family. Like how can I solve issues that are out of my control. I can't make money grow on the trees. Neither can I make a medicine that can cure my sister nor can I abandon her. I can't make my siblings less quarrelsome. I can't change my dad. I can't change my mum. But I can choose to treat them right no matter what. It's not about what they did or is going to do. BUT what I choose to do despite all that.

I at times also feel powerless about situations. I can't change people. I can't control their actions and reactions. I miss people in my life, I mean who likes people leaving their life? Who enjoys isolating himself from people he genuinely cares for? Who rather feels like he's gonna be the only one feeling the sadness of the loss of friendships. I look around and see issues around me in lives of people either very close to me or peoplpe that I've met, I want to help them but, I feel tired and powerless. There's so much I want to change in my life, in the lives of others and nothing I can do about it.

Many a times I think, "What can ONE man do?" I mean hey, I'm just a 21 year old guy confined by circumstance that are beyond my control. I'm not powerful. I don't have a lot of power to change how things are. But that doesn't mean I have no responsibility. It doesn't even matter if people around me acknowledge the fact that I've done all that I can in my power to change things, to make things better or to even salvage situations. It doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter what deeds I have done to people, even to strangers.

It's not about the power or even our own individual deeds. It's just that we take ownership of what we can touch and influence. That we do the right thing no matter how awkard or even weird it maybe. Our own little weird ways of expressing our good intentions, that's more than enough to change the world and impact or inspire someone. Every one has something in them that can make a difference in the world and in someone else's life.

I may be tired. I may feel like I no longer have the strength or power to change things. But, I'll always take responsibility for the things I can touch, change and influence. I'll carry on being kind, even though my friends around me tells me not to be so kind to everyone. That at times I'm being too nice to people for my own good. I'll carry on treating people nicely. I'll rather face life as a honest fool than to not take responsibility for anything at all.

So to my imaginary readers, IF I can think all these and act it out. I challenge you people today. Take responsibility for yourself, your family, people you meet every single day. Be kind, be understanding, be genuine and most of all be responsible.

Like what Kick Ass said, "No power equals no responsibility. I don't think so."
I really don't think so.

Phi 4:13
But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

2010-05-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

Well with all that's happening lately. I guess there comes a point where I feel tired about people. Where I feel tired of caring. Where I feel like you just gotta escape from them. Where I just don't want to hear anything or thing about anything at all.

As I was feeling all that, someone came to me and apologise for her own attitude towards me during the day. To me it was like, I didn't even feel that way. After which I did more thinking. Could it be that I have been too patient with people, too understanding letting bad attitudes slip past me as nothing. Or have I become someone that loves people so much that these kind of treatment seems to be a small matter?

I feel like I should be harsher and sigficantly colder to people. However this is the emotional part of me thinking.

The me that everyone knows is the logical side. Which thinks like this, it doesn't matter how bad I feel. How angry, how disappointed, how tired of people what matters is that I did the right thing. Which is to suck it up and carry on loving people even though it's tiring, it's painful, and at times disappointing. It's all reducndant. What matters is that I did the right thing, I treated people fairly, I am genuinely concerned about their well-being. I still carried on loving others even if they have hurt me before.

I can't control how others treat me. But I can control how I treat others. Always using the logical side instead of the emotional part of my mind.

2010-05-02T04:09:00.000-07:00

Actions speaks louder than words. Don't try to say how much it means through the mouth of others. I'd rather you show it to me by actions. I've done my part. I'm not going to try to keep things the way the were. I've already tried and done my part. I'm tired of it, if you want to keep it. Show it by your actions and deeds. I don't want to let it go, but a wise investor would know when to cut losses. I wish I could treat friendship like investments. But since I can't I'll just care from the sides without investing anymore time, effort or love.

I won't try to be part of your life and maybe I don't want you in my life anymore. But I'd always care about you, it's the same for anyone of us in the group, I'd always care no matter what happens to or between anyone of us. If it matters to you, do something to change it now.

2010-05-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

Great word in season. The first time I went for service after the Op, and the word was like hitting me left right center. It's like every single point, every single example, every single word is targetted at me. God indeed works in miraculous ways.

Elijah was a great man of God. He had fought against the 450 prophets of baal, went against the then king Ahab. He had courage, confidence and faith. However even a man like this would fall victim to depression. He was worned out by the situation around him. The trauma that was inflicted on him. Most of all he felt forgotten and under-appreciated.

In a way, that is my plight. I used to be so independent, full of confidence and courage that I'll be able to handle anything that comes my way. Faith wise, I considered myself doing pretty well. However all that changed since entering NS and most of all sustaining the injury leading to my operation.

I was worned out by the situation at home. I was traumatised by my injury and under-appreciated and forgotten by my family and some of my friends who take it for granted that I'd always be strong for their sake. I guess I felt weak.

There were times where I cried out to God for deliverance. Especially from the thoughts that were haunting me. Many a times all I heard was "My grace is sufficient, it's more than enough" In the past before this whole thing started I've been through times when I cried out to God and heard the same thing or even just a word to look at the lives of Job and Samson. I felt like God didn't really answer me. It was only till today's word that I realised what God was actually trying to teach me and for me to experince it first hand was an experince I would never give up for anything in the world. Indeed His grace is sufficient.

2 cor 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Even now at times I feel under-appreciated, forgotten and taken for granted. But I know My God is above all and that under the different factors affecting me making me feeling weak His grace is indeed sufficient for me.

Through this injury I've felt weakned and defeated. But I've learnt how to really lean more on God and His grace indeed pulls me through. Even though people might have failed me or dissapointed me, Yes I am just that I don't show it, God never does. His grace and mercy will always follow those who really love Him

2010-04-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Food for thought.

We shouldn't expect from others what others can't expect from us. But what if others always have expected that much from you?

That being said, I don't think it's wrong for me to expect more from others. I might have been giving way too much and expecting too little in return. For now, I guess I really need some people by my side, especially you.

2010-04-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

As I was mediating on the word. God reminded me of Jacob and how he's life turn out to be. In this sitution I'm really like Jacob. I had struggled with man and God for far too long. Wrestling with my own desires and my own agendas. Even though on the surface many would say I am dedicated to God. But God looks much deeper. Somehow the little part of me that refuses to yield and rely on God and others. Always trusting in my own strenght. In a way, wrestled with God and man for far too long. In the life story of Jacob there was once he wrestled with God and God told him in
Genesis 32:28b
because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.

In a way, I have done that throughout my life. But the main thing here was that after which he limped for the rest of his life. Leaning heavily on God. I guess this is the major lesson to learn this time around. Why should I continue struggling? Where I can just start to rely and lean more on God. At the same time stop pushing people away and preventing them from getting too close with me.

2010-04-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

Somehow I really miss running around. The ability to move as I wished. The freedom to go wherever, whenever. This restrictions of food, movement and even going to toilet.

I HATE IT.

But, God is over all. The hardest thing at times is to yield after all. To yield that all this is within his plan. That this period is a moulding phase once again. To learn how to lean and rely more on God and the people around me and also, perharps to build more strength and courage.

Would you believe for now, all that I want is to be able to walk.

It would have helped if you were here for me. Or just hear your voice and I don't mean God.

2010-04-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well, 2nd day out of op. I guess my op is a success. I hope. For now have to deal with the 8 cm long wound on my leg, plus the pain of having 8 cm of patella tendon cut out to replace my ligament which was done by drilling a hole through my tibia in 2 places. Besides having pain and the occasional wound splitting experience. I'm fine. At least physically. Am hoping that I'll be able to walk normally by this week. Would love to go for service this coming week.

2010-04-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

Now as I'm thinking bout the events of late. I feel like I've been rather manipulative and ruling by fear. Just by not using my logic as much as I should have, I have been really domineering and pressurizing.

Can't say much but I realized that my anger was unexplainable even though it was not projected to anybody. It scares me to think of ways to resolve the issue in such a way that will manipulate you to feel what I am feeling and for you to see the whole issue while doing things that will have the feeling of an demon lord. The kind that you won't dare to say anything else but what I want to hear and to scare the hell out of you.

But I can't deny the feelings. But I can control my reactions to it.

2010-04-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Courage, is the strength to never give up. To hold on when everything is against you.
Faith is to smile when everything is against you. Yet smiling to say, God is good.

I won't lead a live of regrets. Emotions are a tell tale sign for emotional well being. BUT it is not the basis of how you would react. Be a master of your emotions and not the other way around. Accept them. But don't act on them.

2010-04-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

I feel that it doesn't matter to you at all. So instead of talking about it. Show it. Prove it. I won't care and won't bother about the situation. Which means I wouldn't change how I'd react to you. Or how I would treat you. But it feels like anger will always be there but not shown. To change this situation. Prove it. Show that it matters. That's all I need.

But on this point, I'll defintely walk alone. If you want to. Walk along. Don't talk the talk. Just walk the walk.

Dissapointed, Yes. Angry, Yes. Sad, Yes.

But heck it all. Not gonna expect anything from anyone.
Bitter? Maybe.

2010-04-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is a season where I keep losing things that I treasure. But what matters is not what I've lost or is going to lost. But what I still have. Keeping the faith that God is a fair and just God and He's our heavenly father. All things happen for a reason for those who love him.

Dissapointed for now, BUT I am so exicited for what is to come.

True faith is not birth in easy times. It is born when all odds goes against you and you are still able to smile and say. God is good.

2010-04-12T02:21:00.000-07:00

Dissapointed in some people. But well, moving on.

It just does not matter that much to you after all.

2010-04-10T13:12:00.001-07:00

People come and go, are you one of them?
I think I should ask it head on.
Even if it will be lost, it's meant to be.

Shall not hold on to relationships with others.
Even if I do cherish it.
It does not matter unless the other party cherishes the friendship enough to tell the truth.

People may dissapoint. BUT! God never does.
Never gonna let my emotions affect my thinking ever again.
Someone like me should never be affected.

Forbiden fruits always looks the most tempting.
But it's forbiden. At least for now.
Am I willing to fight that temptation.
Am I willing to let it go out of my sight and my heart?

People fight changes resist changes because we are creatures of habit.
All I can do to become stronger is sometimes to change that habit or break that bond.

All I want now is to be a man after God's heart and to be a stronger man. One stronger than ever before.

2010-04-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

People come and people go. That's the truth of life. Looking back at things, reading old msn conversation I can see how things have changed drastically between some of my friends and me. Well, no point lamenting on things like this. It was already sort of expected by me before I enter NS. If that's what that has happened. Then so be it.

No point feeling anguish over it. It might be better this way.

2010-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Been doing a lot of thinking after someone close to me said that I've changed. How I'm not like the old me. How I was a lot stronger than who I am now. Prayed for a long time, the longest I have for this year. I realised that nothing much has changed except for one point.

I've lost my courage. The courage that always never gives up, the tenacity and drive to prove others and my circumstances wrong. For the first time in my life, it seemed that my courage has lost to circumstances surrounding me. It has been ages since I felt like I couldn't do anything about my situation and I'm worried or stressed out by it. I always said that, there 2 things we should never worry about, things we can do something about and things we can do nothing about. Apparently, I have been worrying bout both. Cos somehow it seems really out of my control. Too many situations and circumstances are out of my control. Too many things have allowed fear to creep into my heart. Driving out my courage and faith in myself.

I've also realised why and how I seem strong and impressive to others. It's all because of courage. I was so much braver and in a way radiate the courage. Like what the movie Coach Carter said in the end.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people wouldn't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

for me right now, Courage and Fear Holds these 2 definitions.

Courage.

Is not the lack of fear, it's overcoming them.

Fear

Is not a physcological thing, it's just the lack of courage and faith.

Apparently that has been what I have been doing till the past 3 months. Perharps it was the people in NS that made me want to stand out, as I would want to fit in and not let other people feel insecure around me. Unconciously that courage was lost. That has made me to this state. During my own prayer time I could hear God telling me clearly to look at the difference in how I would have handled things. I can even imagine the old me giving myself advice. It's time I would take the advices the old me would have told me now and make it work.

I'm not ordinary. And I will never be. I don't have to try to make myself fit in with the turkeys in my life. I don't have to lose my courage to be accepted. I don't have to lose my courage and faith in myself to situations. I don't have to give up. And I wil NEVER ever give up. I will NEVER ever wallow in self pity. I will NEVER ever let myself indulge in reliance to others. I will NEVER say die. I will NEVER throw myself to destruction. I will NEVER lose that courage and that light in my heart. I will let it radiate even stronger than ever.

This is gonna be the first and last time I've lost my courage. NEVER will there be such a emotion in my heart. There's not gonna be a single negative word in my dictionary from now on.

Picking myself up and moving on.

2010-04-07T02:29:00.000-07:00

The closer someone is to you, the more potential they have to hurt you. That's one thing I have already known. It's a truth that can never be pushed away or denied. But still people trust and become closer to others. You expect more from people closer to you, be in actions or character.

The burden to be strong for the sake of others. Sometimes being a emotional punching bag yet having to be the pillar of support for others.

Being weakned, hurt, depressed and yet having to hold it all in. I can't show it.

Sometimes I feel like a coward with abilities that most would envy. But deep down I know that strength isn't about physical capabilities but the tenacity to never give up.

That is when all things get tough, never giving up. Even when you become an emotional punching bag for all. Even when you feel depressed, even when you feel a mindless rage taking over, even when you feel like killing everyone including yourself. To just go through it all without throwing in the towel by giving up on yourself or your own life.

Strenght to remember the call to teach, to lead, to guide, to inspire.

2010-03-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I now know why sometimes I get into trouble when I don't want to get it, after a random observation by someone whom I'm not close with.

Was just talking casually with a new person in drama ministry from SOT. Then one of the drama members asked, Lex, it sounded like you're trying to pick her up.

It was only then, I realised that sometimes me being friendly to girls might be actually coming off as sending the wrong signals and in a way subconciously I was being filrtatious. Which resulted in a lot of unnecessary issues with the opposite sex.

That being said. Guess sometimes it's better not to be Mr. Nice guy all the time.

2010-03-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

updates about my leg for those who actually read this.

ACL MCL tear. LCL grade II sprain. Head of tibia and femur micro fractures with bone marrow edema. lateral menicus radial rupture. Tibia out of place.

For now, this hurts like crap. But I know God will only allow things to happen IF it's gonna make me become who He wants me to be.

I hate being weak, hate being reliant, hate this sense of helplessness. Just gonna hold on and believe.

2010-03-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things don't really matter anymore. It's as though things don't matter anymore. People that was close are not. Perhaps this is a hopelessness due to the perfectionist character in me.

Things change and people too. For now, I'm just too tired to do anything for anyone or anything. Rather I don't want to do anything anymore. Will God come through this time around. Why am I getting softer on the inside where things matter and hurt so much.

I'm just too tired. Too tired of people. Too tired of things. Too tired of always striving always doing my best. Perhaps it's sometimes better to be weak, dumb and without the drive to succeed. I am so so tired.

2010-03-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

Starting afresh once more. A new chapter of my life. As the word of God says, the end of a matter is always better than the beggining. So moving on as always I'll trust in Him. Ironically as I've injured my ligament it really puts me into perspective. Just like how Jacob's hip was wrenched out due to the fact he was wrestling with God. He walked with a limp and leaned on God for the rest of his life. I will also lean on God even more.

Well, for now. This is gonna be a place where I put down my struggles and breakthroughs. Hopefully this will be a place where I can see myself growing.

2/3/2010
fell down and tore my ligament. Thought it was a sprain
3/3/2010
MO said I tore my ligament. 2 days MC
5/3/2010
1 more day of MC and was told that i'll most prob OOC.
(was still positive and believed that I'd recover by 2 weeks)

7/3/2010
was really down on spirits as I realised that it's not really possible for me to do anything at all. Regrets filled my heart. The pain of actually being pitied was coming down hard on me. In addition the inability to do anything for myself and contribute to others. That sucked big time. As well as the fact that I who was once at the top can no longer be a the top. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it is vulnerability. I don't really care what I know is that this sucked.
8/3/2010
specialist appointment. told of operation on 15 april. physiotheraphy session, it was really painful.
9/3/2010
tried swimming and doing activities to raise my spirits. But to no avail I became fed up with myself and my plight. Mum was really negative to the point of annoyance. Really want to get back to my normal state. Not going to give up without a fight.
10/3/2010
Decided that I'm not going to give up on myself. That I can always fight for myself, to recover and gain back my strength. Just like samson lost his hair and strength. I can alway get them back. If God is for me who then can be against me. Just gonna do my best and let God do the rest and have faith in Him. He directs the paths of the righteous.